


Crocus

by Angelscythe



Series: Crocuses and Snowdrops [2]
Category: Fire Emblem: Fuukasetsugetsu | Fire Emblem: Three Houses
Genre: Character Turned Into a Ghost, Gen, M/M, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-01
Updated: 2020-03-06
Packaged: 2021-02-27 23:46:36
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 8
Words: 23,869
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22974229
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Angelscythe/pseuds/Angelscythe
Summary: Felix Hugo Fraldarius has been raised to be Dimitri's shield, just like Glenn. He was meant to be a Knight. A true Knight.But everything changed at the Tragedy of Duscur. Everything changed when he lost Glenn and when he started to see Dimitri as a Boar...
Relationships: Dimitri Alexandre Blaiddyd & Felix Hugo Fraldarius, Felix Hugo Fraldarius & Glenn Fraldarius, Felix Hugo Fraldarius & Rodrigue Achille Fraldarius, Felix Hugo Fraldarius & Sylvain Jose Gautier, Felix Hugo Fraldarius/Sylvain Jose Gautier
Series: Crocuses and Snowdrops [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1650976
Comments: 2
Kudos: 19





	1. Birthdead

**Author's Note:**

> Hi y'all!!
> 
> I'm a bit late for Felix week because I had so many shitstorm I only finished it yesterday. I hope you will enjoy it anyway.  
> I love Felix so so so so much and there is a fic focusing how what I think about him and most of my headcanons for him (the kind of things you can find in others of my fics) also there must be a bit of personnal intake in this...
> 
> Anyway, I linked it to my Sylvain Week (Snowdrop) you can read it as well if you want but it's not useful to understand the story (though it brings a bit more)
> 
> Also, english isn't my first language and I have dislexia so I hope there won't be too much mistake there.

Of course the battlefield was a land of horror. No matter if you were a Knight for one year or decades. It was worst again when you were just a child… at thirteen, you could believe you should be everywhere but here… Though, Dimitri Alexandre Blayddid was here and his squire had to be here.

So, amongst the Knights, amongst the corpses, there were two children…

They were fighting as they could. One to avenge his father, the other because his father commanded him to. They were friends for so long and couldn’t deal the idea they would be torn apart. They were fighting as they could for their father’s name but… also for their lives!

They hadn’t thought it would be that horrible.

It looked like they had to do it and so they would comply to the obligation… though Dimitri really wanted to destroy every of those who took his father away from him. Those who made disappear his new mother he loved so much… And his young friend really wanted to protect him.

“FELIX!!!”

Felix turned his head, his sword streaming blood, and couldn’t help smile. In the mist of the horror, he saw his brother running toward him. Dimitri, his lance in his hand, galloped to his friends.

“Glenn!” he smiled.

Felix opened his arms to his brother. They had been pushed away from the horror of this battle and if they were among the corpses, their feet moving in a bloody mud, they hadn’t to fight too much. Yet, they had made blood rain on the dirt; they had killed; they have seen people they didn’t know die and they have their clothes shredded, wounds appearing on their bodies pure until now.

“Felix!”

Glenn fell on his knees next to Felix, hugging him.

“Felix, you are okay?”

Felix nodded, cuddling in his arms. His heart was beating so fast… Glenn caressed his cheek with a smile. Then, he moved his hand to pass it in Dimitri’s hairs.

“You’re both good, I’m relieved.” He moved his head to press it against Felix’s forehead. “I need you to cross the battlefield and find father. The battle is dying, you are children… perhaps they would let you,” he whispered. “Stay prudent.”

“Why are you…” Felix started.

“Felix…”

The young Fraldarius looked toward his friend but Glenn held his hands on his cheek, making him look him. His thumbs rubbed softly the round cheeks.

“You need to go now. And you need to be cautious. I…” Glenn breathed deeply, blood on his lips. “Stay cautious, for the love of the Goddess. Protect Dimitri… Protect yourself. Your life is so precious… I love you so much, Felix. I love you so much.”

He tugged him in a hug, shivering.

“Glenn! You come with us? Right?”

“Glenn…”

Dimitri was tugging on his hairs and saw the blond strands turning red.

“I will come with you, Felix. But… I won’t reach father. And you… you have to.” He coughed. Felix jumped in surprise when he saw tiny droplets bounce on his face. “Dimitri…” He held out his hand, caressing his cheek too. “I would have followed you my King…”

He pressed a kiss on his forehead.

“Glenn?” Felix whispered. “What do you mean…?”

Glenn got up and pressed his hand over his stomach. He breathed heavily and held out his right hand to Felix, passing his sword to the left one. He had learn to fight with both… he would be less efficient but he didn’t care much.

“Dimitri,” he said. “Come with us. I will make sure you are both in security.”

Felix looked the hand covered with fresh blood.

“Glenn?”

“Felix…” Dimitri said. “You can… It’s the good time to say goodbye…”

Felix shook his head.

Glenn didn’t lose more time, forcing his brother to follow him through the field of death people. As they walked through the mud, stepping on limbs, Felix started to understand how frightening every of this was. Dimitri followed them, looking the colors of those laying on the floor. Most of them were wearing the colors of Duscur but some of them were wrapped in blue. The blue of the Kingdom…

And some of those face…

He knew them…

They were those he had learnt to fight with. They were those his father would let him be with when he couldn’t take care of him. They were his friends…

“Get ready!” Glenn commanded as they approached the core of the battle.

Their weapon raised, the two children complied. Glenn looked around, searching the horse of his father.

The wind hissed. Glenn turned his head and threw his sword in the air. He held out his weapon to counter the attack and threw his feet in the man’s belly. As he fell on the floor, he dug his sword deep in his throat.

He tugged on Felix’s hand, forcing him to follow him as he wanted to reach his father. On his horse’s back, he would be safe. Felix would be safe. Dimitri would be safe.

The more they walked, the more they were jumping on the middle of the war. Glenn was walking slower, his way to stop the attacks was turning weak and only the sword of Felix and the lance of Dimitri could save him from a sure death. Wounds appeared on their bodies, Glenn’s more than them because he made sure he would shield them.

As they moved forward, the sound of the screams and the metal hitting the metal was becoming a frightening music. They heard a sound, a yell. Glenn let go on Felix and swirled. Raising his sword with two hands, he countered an axe. The man there was so big, his muscles appearing too large. Glenn was able to fight and he could be able to take down people looking like that but here, he fell.

The axe was following the movement, ready to open Glenn’s skull.

But the huge man stopped moving.

A huge stick was across his throat.

Blood was falling, turning blond hair to red, streaming over the face and printing the blue of the Lion…

Glenn was so pale.

“Don’t touch my friend,” Dimitri groaned.

He removed his spear with violence and watched Glenn who hiccupped, coughed, his hand trying to keep blood in his body but… but it was vain hope.

“My King… Bring him in… in a safe place…” His fingers came around the young Prince’s wrist. “Save him… He is everything I have…”

“I will…” Dimitri turned his look to Felix, shivering and crying as he watched his brother. “It’s time to say goodbye, Felix.”

“N… No… No! I don’t want to! I don’t want to!” Felix shrieked. “You will be safe!”

Glenn caressed Felix’s cheek, pushing a long strand of dark blue hair and doing his best to smile.

“As long as you will life, I will… I will life in… your heart. I love you…”

“Glenn!” Felix jumped in his arms. “Please, please, please. Don’t leave me. I love you, Glenn. Don’t leave me. Don’t leave me!”

“Felix…”

“DON’T LEAVE ME!!!”

Dimitri grabbed Felix’s arm, tugged him out of the embrace.

“GLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEENN!!!!!!!” Felix shrieked.

“Come!” Dimitri commanded.

“I CAN’T LEAVE HIM!!”

A slap echoed in the mayhem of war. For a second, it seemed like nothing was happening around. No more sound, just Felix looking the Demon in front of him. A Demon covered with blood, his eyes widened in rage and his lips turned in a frightening smile.

“He is dead, Felix. And I will bring you to your dad as he wished it. I will destroy everyone coming on our path. Those who killed my father, your brother, our friend. Now, come.”

As Dimitri moved through the battlefield, his spear swirled, taking away life. But not only he took away life… he made sure they would not raise from the death. He saw him throw the edge of his lance in body, again and again. Sometimes making them yell as he dug hole in their flesh… not removing their lives yet. And while he could have spare some… he killed them anyway.

He was a killer, he was a Monster… he was… he was like that rabid boar they had seen once in the forest. The beast was so full of rage, he started to rush on everybody. He was mad and seemed to only want blood. He had ripped open the thigh of Glenn before Rodrigue killed it in a merciful gesture. They had to heal Glenn and for a moment they were afraid he would be rabid too… but he was fine and he could brag around with his beautiful scar.

But Glenn was gone.

And everything remaining was…

A Boar.

A Boar ready to kill everything, pouring a stream of blood as they moved toward Rodrigue’s horse. Felix helped, ending those who would escape to Dimitri’s merciless attacks but… they were rare.

He had been made for War and yet, he was the one crying, unable to correctly defend his Prince as his father would have wanted it. His friend… but… When he looked behind, at the place where his brother laid…

Unanimated.

Lifeless.

Only remaining in his heart…

“Glenn…”

“He died like a true Knight.”

Felix was crying, looking the coffin where his brother was. They will make him sink in the ground very soon. This was the last time he could see him except when he would look the paint of him…

His hand was softly held by another one. His hand was held by the soft hand of Sylvain who held out Ingrid’s hand as well. They were crying. Sylvain wasn’t crying, his body covered with bruises and wound, his look in the away and his thumbs rubbing his friends’ hands. Dimitri was next to Rodrigue who hugged him as he said the eulogy.

His words were reverberating in the court.

Felix hated every of them.

He couldn’t forget those words.

He died like a true Knight? What was this crap? His brother died, in pain, in the horror… and the only thing he did want was… protecting those he loved. Protecting the living… but his father only talked about avenging the name of a dead, dying for someone, pride…

“I don’t want to be here…” Felix whispered.

“You don’t want to?” Sylvain replied under his breath.

He wanted to mutter ‘but it’s your brother’s funeral’ though it was useless. Of course, he knew it. He totally knew it was his last chance to see his brother. But… he was dead. At this second, Sylvain thought… if he could be there, laying between flowers and satin in place of Glenn… If Glenn could be here, making smile Felix.

His lovely little Felix, suddenly so closed. His tears weren’t the charming one, his tears couldn’t be pushed away thanks to candies or a hug… He was suffering and it was hard to know if his suffering could stop. Felix said he didn’t sleep since that day. Dimitri said he heard him yell out of pain or bad dreams but always refused to approach him…

“You want to see the body?” Sylvain asked.

“No.”

“You won’t regret it?”

Even if his father had refused it to him, Felix had often sneaked in to slide with the corpse and sleep in his arms. No matter what.

He had seen him enough…

And so not enough at once.

“I won’t. He is dead.”

“Ingrid…” Sylvain whispered.

“Y… yes?” she replied across her tears.

“I leave with Felix… You will be alright?”

She looked at him, her eyes still foggy. She nodded slightly. She wasn’t sure she would be alright, not after… everything. And she couldn’t join Dimitri because he was next to _this guy_ … she hadn’t anything against him as such but she couldn’t help but see the one who killed Glenn in him. She was afraid… She couldn’t stand seeing the reminiscence of those who took away the life of the love of her life…

But she had to stay strong.

For her friends.

She nodded softly. “I’ll be fine.”

She let go on Sylvain’s hand, letting this one lead their friend away. Felix could guess his father was looking him with hate in his eyes. He didn’t care. He was just holding Sylvain’s hand, following.

They walked out of the court, walking to the stairs leading to the rooms. Sylvain didn’t know where to bring him. His bedroom could be a nice place.

There was a heavy silence between them.

The young Gautier said nothing.

It was normal.

He wondered if he would be like that if he lost Miklan… He wasn’t sure. But Felix… Oh, Felix loved his brother so much and he saw him die. Perhaps… Perhaps he could just hold him in his arms and Felix will find ease… sleep?

They climbed up the steps, going toward his room.

Sylvain pushed open the door and watched the secret place he had visited so often. The stuffed animals hanging around, some wooden weapon, a little paint of their family…

The young Gautier brought him to the bed, letting him lay his head on a fluffy leg. Sylvain caressed his hairs.

“Can I do anything for you?” he asked.

He wanted to sit next to him but maybe he shouldn’t…

Felix just had wanted to run away from the burying, not asking him for his presence…

“Can you… remove all of this?”

“All of this?”

“The plushies. That paint…”

“You are sure, they are presents from…”

“I know,” Felix replied.

“Sure.”

Sylvain looked for a blanket case and he pushed the paint, the stuffed animals… everything that could remind Glenn to Felix. And Felix was looking him in silence. He didn’t want to remember… not a second, not an instant. He was already thinking too much. When he closed his eyes, when he saw Dimitri… he had a shiver when he thought about Dimitri, his anger, his madness, the blood on his face…

As he saw Sylvain make disappear every fragment of Glenn, he hiccupped.

The memories were coming back.

He got up and dashed away.

“Felix?!”

Sylvain saw him dash to the bathroom and he quickly ran after him. He slid in through the opening and, as Felix laid above the hole leading to the mire of the Mansion, Sylvain grabbed his hairs to tug them out of the way.

Felix didn’t even thanked him, horror sliding between his lips as it inked itself in his heart.

“Huuuush, Felix…”

Sylvain rubbed softly his back.

“Huuush. It’s over…”

“It’s not…” Felix closed his eyes. “It’s… It has just begun, Sylvain…”


	2. Nothing but this

The sound of the cutlery against the plates reverberated in the whole room. You could hear a fly… except, there was no fly in the Fraldarius’ Mansion. Why would it be? The servants were hunting them down as soon as they could.

It was ironic the Mansion needed to reflect perfection while there were only Knights here. Warriors.

Who didn’t care much about the beauty of something if not of the blood jumping in the air while they would slice flesh…

“I would like you to go to Garreg Mach this year.”

Felix groaned.

He thought he could have passed a meal without having to talk with him.

“Why?”

“I have sworn to the Church I would give them Knight. You are my son and I will give you to them. They will train you and, in the future, you will give your sword to them whenever they would need you.”

“I don’t want to go to Garreg Mach and I don’t want to be their dog.”

“You’re not a dog. You are helping them. The Church is important and…”

“I don’t care about the Church.”

“You care about fighting. They would give you battle to fight, cause to defend,” Rodrigue replied.

Felix looked up at him. A smirk appeared on his lips.

“You are a good soldier but they can give you more and you will be able to defend the name of your King.”

“I don’t want to defend the name of my King.” He frowned. “Isn’t my King Dimitri?! Tch! I don’t want to defend that Boar! I was so glad when he finally left our home!”

“Felix!” Rodrigue roared. “He is your Prince! Your King! He is…”

“Don’t finish your sentence,” Felix said.

“He is like my son!”

Felix got up out of the blue. He pushed away his plate though he hadn’t eaten a lot.

“I have nothing more to do. If you search me, and I hope you won’t, I will be in the training room.”

“Felix, I am not done,” he said.

“I am, father.”

Rodrigue got up. “I said you will go to Garreg Mach. You won’t be alone there. I’m paying for Ingrid’s admission and my dear friend is sending Sylvain. Would you disappoint them?”

“I…”

“Would you disappoint Dimitri?!”

“The Prince Boar…” Felix whispered. “You really think I want to see him?! I don’t want to see this idiot!”

“He is your…”

“He is _nothing_ ,” Felix replied as he walked toward the door.

“If you can’t see the interest to join Garreg Mach for Dimitri, you should think about Sylvain and Ingrid.”

“Don’t you _dare_ using Sylvain and Ingrid against me!” Felix hissed.

“I don’t use them.”

“You are using them!”

“You need a future, Felix. I am building a future for you. I am trying to push you to embrace it. You need to learn. You need to open the gates until I will give you the Dukedom.”

“I don’t want it, father. I’m not made for that.”

“Then find someone, marry her and let her rules your country.”

Felix smirked. “Who told you it would be a ‘her’.”

He winked at him, just like Sylvain had taught him when he was a child and he left the room. It was almost childish but he didn’t care. There was no her, there was no him and there was no them in his mind. There was just nothing.

Nothing but work…

But right there, in his mind… In his mind, there was Dimitri.

Not the Dimitri they saw two years ago for the last time before he went to the Capital to learn his role… No, it was _him_. The thirteen years old Dimitri, again. Killing. Laughing… Blood streaming over his face as he smiled…

A smile haunting his dreams.

His Nightmares…

Felix walked calmly, moving away from the dinner room. But as he was in the corridors, he started to run. He ran as fast as he could to arrive in the court and bend in two, everything jumping out of his mouth. His hand twitched against the wall, his fingers trying to hold back his locks.

Ugh…

It didn’t happen for two years. And suddenly, he was there, puking, his heart at the edge of his lips, his heart beating so fast… images came back and he couldn’t push them away… he shook his head, trying to chase them but… but he couldn’t. The sole mention of Dimitri, of the fact he would be around him.

It was horrible…

He thought it was over…

He let his behind fall on the floor and passed his arms around his knees, breathing deeply but… but it didn’t push away the images.

He had to think to someone else.

He had to…

Felix got up with difficulty and though his legs seemed so weak, he walked toward the training room. He whipped his mouth as he focused on the training he soon will do. He entered the room as soon as he could and grabbed a sword.

As soon as he swirled around, his sword slicing the wind, his head emptied. It was better. It was a relief…

He liked that…

He wanted to forget forever those moments. He wanted to forget not only the Boar he saw but also the death of Glenn, the death of everyone… Not only the allies but the enemies too…

Ingrid already told him she was uncomfortable around Dedue because she only saw the murderer of Glenn in him. She knew it was bad but it was stronger than her. She tried to be open to him but on the same time she wondered why Dimitri saved him and not Glenn… She just saw in him the horror she wished she could have stop… Felix, on the other hand, didn’t understand why Dedue wanted to follow the path of someone as mad as the Boar. A polite being who could turn into an unstoppable sadist… and he also saw those he had killed. He saw the War come back at him as if he had never run away from this Hell, this Mayhem.

He hated Dedue, he hated Dimitri, he hated Glenn… he hated himself for not being stronger than the War. He wanted to push away this thing from him but he couldn’t. He couldn’t except when he fought or trained. So he trained. He trained until he would fall on the floor, exhausted. He didn’t sleep much, he didn’t eat much… why would he do that when he could train?

Train.

Train.

Train.

Now and forever.

Sink in the train. Sink into a tasteless life with the relieve cuddling in the constant effort. Sink into something making him safe…

“Felix! Protect yourself! Felix! Run away! FELIX!!!”

Felix saw Glenn pop in front of him. Suddenly, blood jumped on his face. He saw a spear across his belly and then a laugh. A cold laugh. When Felix looked up, he was startled because of the face of Dimitri. Covered with blood. His blond-pink hairs pasting his skin…

“Felix… I’m so happy to see you again!”

The laugh echoing in the wind turned into roar. Mad roar of a beast… of a boar.

As Dimitri laughed, his teeth changed, turning into tusks…

He dashed toward him as he did, corpse were falling around him, geyser of blood spurting from everywhere. Felix held out his sword but his hand was a child hand… He couldn’t do anything. Just… submit himself.

The animal hit him with violence.

And he felt on his bed. His heart was beating so fast, his breath chaotic… he couldn’t move for a moment. He was just there, lying. Lying and afraid… Lying and trying to chase the images coming back in his mind. He didn’t want to have them there, in the front of his brain and yet… yet they were there. Crawling toward him.

He never had forgotten them.

Sometimes, they would come when he was hunting; sometimes when he was taking a bath or just eating. When he was just fourteen, he had read his last book because… because when he was reading, words could call back those memories. He didn’t read, he didn’t talk…

Felix moved his hands, pressing his hands over his cheeks, whipping away the tears.

Damn…

Crying…

He was crying.

Like a child.

He hated Dimitri. He hated the Monastery. He hated his father. He hated himself…

He had to get up, to go to train…

Now!

Felix pushed the blankets, making meow the cat on his bed, and though his legs were shivering, though his heart was still beating so fast, he walked toward the training room. His hair still undo, pasting his cheeks, his nape and the skin of his back.

He crossed the court and just jumped in the training.

Forgetting.

It was the only thing he was craving for…

“Young Master?”

Felix swirled on himself, breathing deeply. He had trained for hours. He didn’t know how much he had train but his mind was delightfully empty so…

“Young Master, we have received a letter for you.”

The servant in the entry of the training room handed the letter to him. He thanked her, trying to keep his head empty. But he had to face the memories, he knew it. He just kept doing his best to avoid the memories, the reality but what could he do? The shadow of the Boar will always be over him. He couldn’t see the Prince anymore where every other saw a neat teenage and would bow in front of him.

He would never.

Never.

But he couldn’t continue to run away like that.

He had to go to Garreg Mach…

He had to face his demons. Beat them… He will beat them… He will go through this. And while the fight will still remain the only important one in his life, because he had nothing else, he would not train to suppress everything. It would not be his black hole anymore… if he managed to beat this.

The memories of that day were so strong, he doubted he could do anything against this revenant…

He searched to chase away the fear though he knew he had to face it. Will do his best to face it. At this instant, to help himself a bit, he looked at the letter.

It was Sylvain’s writing. He opened the seal and took the message.

_“Hey, Love of my Life,_

_Your father sent a letter to my father, he wants me to convince you to come to Garreg Mach. They think it’s nice for your future or something like that._

_I don’t care much about what they say._

_I won’t convince you._

_If you come, I’ll be delighted and will hug you. If you don’t come, I hope my love will reach you anyway!_

_I miss you, but don’t take that as me forcing you to come._

_Just… do what you can and want._

_Lot of love! Lot of kisses!_

_Sylvain.”_

Felix couldn’t help but smile a little in front of those words. A tiny little smile but… it was a smile.

“Tell my father I will go to Garreg Mach.”

He didn’t need to know why. If his father thought he was wining, why not? He didn’t care. It was his battle, his journey.

And now… he needed to rest a little.

He moved out of the training room and went to his room. There was two cats on the undone bed. The servants would do it at any time except when there were cats on them. He had asked for that. They didn’t listen much to the commands of their young Master but this one was something…

Perhaps because it was like that since he was a child?

Because he used to cry because the poor cats had been moved away and it was just… an habit for all of them?

Felix let his whole body fall on the bed, making meow the cats. Even hiss for one of them. He held out his hand, caressing her.

“Sorry.”

He closed his eyes.

Every cat of this Mansion was here because of him. His father didn’t like much animals and if he had to choose, he would go for dogs… but since Felix was a child, as soon as he saw a stray cat, he asked to save him. It was the only thing of his past Felix still accepted…

Saving every cat.

Because he couldn’t save himself, maybe?

Because if there was a justice, it must be for the cats?

Because he never managed to save Glenn and just saw him die? Perhaps that was the reason he watched every of those friend grow older with fear? For this he couldn’t bear their dead…

He was able to spread blood on the floor if they asked for it, if he walked deep in the forest but on the other hand…

Death was so frightening…

“I will go to Garreg Mach… I will make sure that father will take care of you. All of you,” he said, rolling on the side to look at them.

He pressed his cheek on his forearm.

He was exhausted… which wasn’t surprising since he didn’t sleep much and trained too much.

“You will have to take care. Be ready to hunt if needed, right?” He pressed his nose against his wrist. “I would love sending you letters but…” His eyes were slowly closing. “Who would read them to you… uh?” His fingers brushed the male who approached him, snuggling against him. He loved the feeling of the fur under his skin. It was like home… truly like home. The only home he deserved, maybe? “I will think about you…”

When he was a kid, Glenn told him to name the cats. And when he was a kid, he searched them with applications. He gave them food name for the most of them. There was Tuna, Cake, Tea, Spice, Meatloaf, Chestnut… but now? Now, he just said “eh you” or “pspspspsps”… or he just grabbed them to hug them.

He had no reasons to give them name.

No ideas.

He could call them all Glenn… to have the feeling he was there…

Felix moved his head, pressing it against the cat.

“I will survive… I will fight those memories… I will fight the…” His eyes closed. “… Boar…”

“MY KITTY!!!”

A few seconds after, Felix was flying in the air, swirling. He heard the laugh of pure delight.

“My kitty! I thought you will never come!”

“Even though I told him hundreds time you will come.”

Ingrid.

She was smiling, just standing at a few paces from the carriage that had brought Felix here.

“Come on! You know him! I’m sure he had changed his mind a few time!” Sylvain laughed.

“Put me down,” Felix commanded.

“Sure! But let me smooch you first!”

“No.”

Felix was looking away. He had difficulties to breath… He was panicking. Dimitri was somewhere here. He will be there soon enough and he had to run away.

“Where is my room?” he asked.

“I will show it to you!” Sylvain said. “Soooo… no need to put you down, right?”

“Please, do.”

“Aren’t you lighter?” Sylvain wondered. “I could lift you on my shoulder!”

Felix was about to protest, maybe with a little smile, but he saw a frightening blue and blond silhouette in the away. He saw the eyes animated by Hell turning toward him. He pushed back Sylvain, jumping on the floor. He quickly walked… he didn’t know where. He just walked. Away from the memories, away from what made him breath with so much difficulties. His heart was hammering.

“Felix!”

Sylvain ran after him. He passed his arms around his shoulder, hugging him softly.

“Where do we go?” Felix asked.

They should bring his belongings soon and… everything will start. The horror will start. He wouldn’t be able to walk backward.

If he stepped back, his father will hate him, act with him as if he was a coward…

That wasn’t what he feared the most.

But what Ingrid and Sylvain would say? If he cared for the opinion of someone, this must be theirs.

He wasn’t there for them, though. He was here to fight. Fight… Could he do something else than fighting? Could he move forward? Could he face the Lion hovering above everything? Above the Boar?

He wanted to talk about it to those he loved…

But he never talked about this…

Never…

He couldn’t open his heart.

He couldn’t show his pains and his turmoil. He loved them. He loved them so he couldn’t annoy them. He had to protect them…

Honestly… Felix was lost in this whole situation. There was so much to deal with.

Sylvain was chattering while they were walking. Felix didn’t really listen to him, only grabbing part of what he was saying. He could get the important points and he knew his childhood friend. Sylvain was just filling the void of their conversation or… not conversation. It must be a monologue at this point…

“Eh! Look at this!”

Felix stopped and stared Sylvain as he dashed toward a ginger cat.

“Look at him!”

The cat didn’t run away at all. He even let the son of Gautier raise him and move his paw toward Felix.

“Nya!”

Felix folded his arms.

“Don’t you want to hug him?” Sylvain wondered.

“Don’t you want to bring me to my room if you know where it is?” Felix countered.

“Yes! Sorry, I’m just excited to see you!” The redhead approached him with the cat. He handed it to him with a big smile. “I just want you to be happy.”

“You have so much hope,” his friend countered.

He accepted the cat, hugging him softly. Having cats around was relieving him.

Sylvain watched him in silence. Having hope for him being happy? It was heart crushing. He didn’t want him to feel that way. He wanted to see him a bit like that, more than like that… his eyes were sparkling, just a little but though, his lips were turning in a very slight smile. It was nothing for anyone. It was everything for him…

“Your room is almost next to mine, by the way! I tried to convince them for days to put us next to the other but they really don’t want to yield! Come on, it’s just a room!”

For a second, just a tiny second, Felix wanted to ask if he was next to the Prince Boar then… but Sylvain’s words hit him before…

“For days?”

“Yes? What?”

“You have been here for days?”

“Yep.”

Felix frowned. He received Sylvain’s letter only a few days before… he had made his bags, throw a lot of weapon in there, and had left as soon as he could. It was horrible to leave as soon because he was frightened at the idea of meeting Dimitri and, so, would have loved put distance between them… but on the other hand, he didn’t want to stay around his father. Especially not when their discussion were about his future, how he would have to serve Dimitri when he will be gone, etc.

“Since when?”

“Ugh…”

“Sylvain?!”

“Look! That’s the stairs for your room! You climb them up and your room is the third from the end of the corridor! I will grab your bags!!”

Felix removed one arm under the cat purring against his chest to grab Sylvain’s collar and force him to move down.

“Well… hello,” he smiled. Sylvain slid his finger under his chin. “You want a kiss too?” he winked.

“Try to kiss me and I’ll bite you!” Felix threatened. “Since when are you here?!”

Sylvain couldn’t help but smirk. Felix was able to threaten you, to make you feel uneasy and without any means against him… without even looking at you.

“Last month.” He smiled. “See my surprise when I received a letter from my father. So… he cared, in the end…” He shook his head. “He just wanted me to be useful by trapping you here… And you, my kitty…”

“I am a Dumbass?”

“A bit. I don’t see why you would have come here… This place isn’t for you.”

“I know.” Felix closed his eyes. “I have my reasons,” he replied.

“I understand. Whatever it is… if you need someone to help you, I’m there. Please, don’t forget it, Felix…”

“Of course, I won’t.” He moved backward and hugged the cat as he started to climb the stairs. “I suppose I have a room next to the Boar?!”

“Yep.”

Sylvain followed him quickly. He wanted to grab him again but stopped his movement in the middle of it.

“I tried to change it but…”

“It is fine. Stop acting like a puppy.”

“I know: you don’t like dogs! Though I’m certainly the cutest puppy you never saw!”

“Sure,” Felix groaned.

He walked toward the end of the corridor, feeling his heart pouncing more and more as they moved to his fate. He had accepted. But there… there, he would have done anything not to be on the other side of that corridor.

He had done his best to avoid the memories of the War and thought he wanted to fight his fear, he realized how much he wasn’t done for it.

Or maybe it was just too much at once…

Glenn had come here too. He was walking where Glenn had walked…

He will be next to his worst nightmare…

Everything was starting so bad.

But… at least, he had a cat in his arms, right?

And as they walked, he noticed a white cat sleeping on the wooden floor as well!

When he entered in his room, he found a place perfectly prepared, at the exception his bags weren’t there yet and he would have to do that soon if he wanted to have his sword…

Sylvain sat on the bed, not caring about those who had perfectly done it.

“Say… Dimitri used to be your best friend, no?”

Felix glanced at Sylvain. He hated him. He hated him so much!

“You don’t have to reply, though, but… why do you hate him now?”

Or maybe he loved him?

“Are you afraid for yourself, Sylvain José Gautier?”

“A bit, Felix Hugo Fraldarius!” Sylvain smiled.

“Don’t worry. I hate you already, you can’t change anything.”

“But if you hate me and still want to hang out with me, I win!”

Felix gave him a cold look.

Sylvain smiled anyway. But he got up and walked toward the door. Felix looked down… He didn’t know if it was a good thing to close his heart to anyone like that. But… if he liked no one, he wouldn’t suffer anymore lose, isn’t it?

As Felix heard the sound of pace moving away, he walked toward the bed and sat too, letting the cat run away or install himself wherever he wanted.

“I’m sorry, Glenn… You must hate the one I became…” he whispered.

You couldn’t go in the Monastery and live among the others without… well… living among the others. Felix couldn’t step away from this all the time. He couldn’t skip it when he was at home and here… it was a bit the same, except he could maybe grab food he liked instead of accepting meal he couldn’t even stand…

But… there were so many people there. And it was expected to chat around…

Though it was more or less already expected from him. His father always tried to talk even though Felix only wished to stab him as soon he started to talk with his chivalry and other poisonous thoughts.

The real delight of this dinning room, though?

The cats.

There were cats everywhere. The dogs almost never came outside but cats wouldn’t bother. You could easily see one on a chair or even a table!

Felix walked to the buffet, asking for a dish he liked a little and find a seat very away from others students but close to a cat. If he had to be with others students, he preferred this burden to be easier.

Show himself.

Disappear.

Continuing this for a whole year would be perfect.

He would have forged his future, he would have done what it was expected from him and maybe he would have peace for a few minutes when he will be back at home.

Felix was eating next to this fluffy cat, caressing them with his other hand.

He was almost done, the little ball of fur purring happily, when someone put a plate in front of him.

Felix got up.

“You’re done?”

“Yes.”

“There is still food in your…”

“Here,” Felix cut short.

With his fork, he pushed his food in the plate of the other.

“Thank you. You sure you don’t want to stay?”

“I’m sure, Sylvain. Bon appetite,” he replied.

And he moved away with his dirty plate.

Sylvain couldn’t help sighing a little. He would have loved asking him to stay but he knew it was the worst to do with Felix.

The best way to have him run away…

But he was just worried to see him put such distances between them. Between him and the World. If only he could have done something…

Felix felt guilty to leave Sylvain that way but he wasn’t in the mood for empty chatting… certainly wasn’t in the mood to listen to the ladies Sylvain had happy moments with… He still had to focus on so much more…

So much to not focus on.

He didn’t want to chat and lose his time, just… just lying on his bed like that was good. He could hear sound around. His eyes were closed, his hair spread on the pillow and the blankets were trying to warm him. In a soft cocoon, he tried to ease his mind but it was so hard. His mind was always moving, jumping from thought to thought. Each of them worse than the one before. He kept moving, turning and turning in the bed to the point that cocoon… wasn’t a cocoon anymore.

Felix turned again.

He heard a sound around.

It was something moving just on the other room. He heard the sound of someone… huffing? Maybe someone making exercise.

Could it be…

Felix got up and walked toward the wall.

Yes, it was directly coming from the room on the right. For one second he was eased. The second after, he hiccupped because… those sound.

He paced backward, breathing violently.

Even if his eyes were wide open, it was as if the past came back. As if he just… just blacked out, his brain filled with…

“No…” he whispered.

He walked toward his belongings and grabbed his sword before stepping out the room. It was the middle of the night but he didn’t care. He just dashed toward the training room. He needed to throw his sword around him, he needed to train until he fell on the floor.

Felix ran to the corridors until he was out of breath. He had ran so fast…

So fast…

His heart was hammering in his chest. Was it because of the run or of the panic swirling in every inch of his body?

He pushed the door of the training room and… it refused to move.

It was closed.

He was unable to enter there. He couldn’t empty his mind…

His father would never allow him to swirl his sword outside of the training room because it would be too dangerous so you could believe it would be the same in the Monastery. Maybe worse…

What could he do?

He couldn’t go back to his room.

What was the madness that brought him here?

Felix tried to breathe correctly.

His head was heavy.

He had to do something to change his mind…

“Meow!”

In the night, only Stars, the Moon and discrete flames here and there lightened the surrounding. A black cat, barely discernible in the darkness, was looking him. His eyes gleaming…

They meowed again then moved away.

Felix frowned but followed them anyway. What else could he do? He wanted a reason to step away from his room, he wanted to fill his mind. Following a cat without knowing what will happen, it was a good thing. No danger could reach him anyway… Unless. He got a hiccup when he realized the Boar was awake. The Boar could have followed him… The Boar could…

No!

He shouldn’t think about that.

He should…

Felix tried to push away the thoughts and walked faster. The cat was running away and he was running after them because the pet meowed to him. Inviting him.

They ran through a bridge and climbed stairs.

Suddenly, Felix was in the church itself… there were a lot of cats here. Of every colors, size… they were there, in a group. They had taken place all over the building as if it was their home now. Or maybe it always had been theirs?

Felix couldn’t help but smile.

Just one tiny inch.

That was just what he craved for, honestly…

He walked toward a bench not occupied by cats, not wanting to bother them, and laid on it. He heard meows around and also a purr. Just after, something soft was against his belly. He looked down and was delighted to see a cat on him. He moved his hand, letting them smell his fingers, and he caressed them.

He was surrounded with them, hearing their meows, their purr…

It looked like Heaven…

And after the Hell he had been through, a bit of Heaven was all he craved.

With a yawn, Sylvain stretched himself and stepped outside of his room. He passed in front of Dimitri’s before coming to the one after. He knocked and stretched again. He was very used to live here so it was fine for him. Dimitri was there for two days and he was also used to the live here. Not as much as Sylvain but though. And Dedue, there since a week and half, made sure everything was fine for him. Ingrid arrived four days before. Sylvain came to check on her as well as Dimitri and also Mercedes and Annette who arrived together… well… Ingrid came hit him very strongly when she heard about it… Sylvain hadn’t welcome everybody, that young Ashe for example or others students he even didn’t know the names. Ladies he didn’t knew the name didn’t count and it has been _his_ pleasure to come to see if Dorothea Arnault and Hilda Goneril felt right in this place!

But now, he was in front of the door of someone he really really wanted to know how they feel.

How he felt.

He knocked at the door again in front of the absence of reply.

But still nothing…

He pushed open the door and saw nothing. The bed a bit undid, yes, but nothing else. No little angry man…

He walked outside and quickly reached Dimitri’s room. He knocked once, just the time to say he was there and he entered.

“Dimitri! Do you know where is Felix?”

Why Dimitri would even?

“Felix?” Dimitri said almost asleep. He pressed the pillow over his face. “I haven’t see him yet. Are you sure he didn’t left the Monastery?”

He pushed the pillow and sat in the mattress that sunk under his weigh.

“He is too courageous and, especially, too stubborn for leaving that way…”

“That’s what I thought,” Dimitri confessed.

“So why he isn’t there?” Sylvain asked, pointing out Felix’s room through the wall.

“If anything had happened, we can be sure those who would attack him are in danger, not the invert.”

“I know, I know. I didn’t see his sword.”

“So we should find him to save the idiot who would have tried to annoy him!” Dimitri said with a smile.

He got up from his bed.

“You look in the Church and I look in the dormitories!”

“Ingrid will kill me if I let you do so, please, go in the training room and the Church, I’ll go in the dormitories. Don’t forget to check the market place. I will go in the dining hall and see the classes.”

“Thank you! If you see Ingrid, tell her to help?”

“Very well. But remember: he is not a lost puppy.”

“No, no. He is a lost kitty and that’s worst!”

Sylvain threw him a smile. Then, he swirled on his bare heels and ran to the edge of the corridor. He was still half-naked but that didn’t matter. He just crossed the dormitory and quickly climbed down the stairs.

He dashed to the training room, searching for Felix.

There was already the teacher Jeritza and one Knight but no Felix. Absolutely no Felix! He moved from this place to go to the Church. The early wind was very fresh on his skin but he didn’t care. He needed to know where was his best friend.

He crossed the bridge and climbed the steps to go in the Church were you could hear songs.

Holy songs…

Sylvain wasn’t very decent at this moment. He didn’t care. He was walking on the cold ground, glancing around.

A nun noticed him and, red, flustering, she approached him.

“Young Margrave, I…”

“Hello, my Lady!” He bowed in front of her. “You are the delight of my day! I’m so happy to see such a pretty flower in those sad hours. Please, lighten me from your grace: do you know where is the young Duke Fraldarius? He has long dark blue hairs and he always looks angry! He is tiny and…”

The nun held out her finger.

Either she was showing him something or it was one of his freckles.

In doubt, or perhaps because he knew she wouldn’t show him a freckle, he looked above his shoulder and saw a group of cats happily purring. Sylvain thanked the lady, blowing her a kiss, and he walked toward the bench.

He smiled.

There was the delight of his day, a pretty flower lightening his sad hours with his grace…

He leaned and took the tiny body in his arms, making the cats jump on the bench and the floor. They looked him with sadness or annoyance… but he didn’t mind.

“Eh, Felix… You would be better in your bed,” he whispered.

Felix moved in his sleep, groaning. But at least, he wasn’t waking up. Which was a relief, in fact. Because if Felix had waken up in his arms, he was sure he would be dead. But there… he was just delighted, bringing his little kitty to his bedroom.


	3. The song of the Boar

It was so strange… falling asleep on a bench in the Church and waking up like that in his bed… and especially without cats? So disappointing…

Felix could turn in his bed and just sleep more but he had training to do.

He just wanted to be sure his mind would be filled with something.

The young Duke forced himself to get up and to prepare himself, brush his hairs, put on his uniform for the very first time. They will have to start school for real in one week but they were already asked to know everything, get to know their comrades, from this House or the others… They had to learn about the teachers and the Knights and, with a bit of chance, he would get the chance to train more.

It was what he wanted the most.

Arranging his hairs, Felix went outside of the room. He searched for a cat around but there was none of them. Unfortunately.

It would be better to start a day…

He didn’t know what this one would hold for him…

Felix walked to the end of the corridor. He started to climb down the steps and suddenly stopped. His back came against the wall and he closed his eyes.

“You were there!”

Felix forced himself to look down then, without having to force himself, he looked away.

“Sylvain was searching you everywhere this morning. I’m glad to see you. Doubly glad. Rodrigue warned me about you and I couldn’t wait to meet you again.”

“Can’t you go back to your room? Unless you were going somewhere else?” Felix groaned.

“Felix…” Dimitri sighed softly. “I was just happy to see you. I missed you. When was the last time…”

“Two years! Don’t you remember? You did it again! That slaughter you made!” Felix climbed down the stairs to stand in front of him. For once, he was taller. For once, Dimitri had to look up to see him. “You don’t remember it, right? Or you try to deny it.”

Felix’s breath was turning harsher. His heart was pounding in his chest and he felt he was about to puke. He needed to run away…

“I don’t deny anything. I just want to understand why you hate me that way…”

“I can’t stand your face without wanting to retch,” Felix replied.

Dimitri laughed softly at those words.

“What?!” Felix roared.

His chest was about to explode. His mouth wanted to open and only to puke. He wanted to run away…

“You grow more like your brother every day.”

Felix didn’t need to puke anymore. He couldn’t run away because his legs were like… locked. Yet, they were shivering and he had to stop himself from just… falling on the steps. And… his heart. It was as if it had stopped to beat…

“Shut up,” he said. “You are a beast, craving blood… a wild Boar… Get out of my sight. Never talk about my brother again.”

“Glenn was my friend, Felix.”

“Didn’t you hear me?! Don’t talk about him! Don’t talk about him! He is dead! And I’m done of hearing you and my father acts like you would bless his death with your slaughters! I hate both of you!”

Felix walked down the stairs, passing next to Dimitri without even watching him.

As he kept climbing down, he went faster. Faster. Faster and even faster until his legs refused to keep holding him up. He felt abruptly, his forehead hitting his knees as his cheeks landed on the step.

Memories from those years before jumped in front of him.

He couldn’t breath.

He had to fight against the tears stinging his eyes…

Damn! It was the first day. How could he handle that for… more days.

More days.

Trapped with Dimitri…

Trapped with the Boar…

When he watched his hands, he was sure there was blood on there. Was it the blood he had already spread while fighting or was it Dimitri’s blood?

He didn’t feel good.

“Felix…”

He didn’t reply, watching his fingers. They were shivering.

“Felix!”

“Felix!!!”

He looked up and saw two people coming toward him. One was like the sun raising, dynamic and happy; the other was a delight of joy, nonchalant but a tender smile on his lips.

Both lost their joy when they saw Felix like that…

“Felix?!”

Felix watched Ingrid as she ran toward him. She felt on the stairs next to him, passing an arm around his shoulders.

“Is something wrong?”

“I am fine,” he said, looking away. He had to find an excuse. He couldn’t say anything to them. “I didn’t sleep much this night and ate nothing so I’m a little dizzy,” he explained as fast as possible.

Ingrid hugged him a bit more.

“I always told you to…”

“Can you not?” he said.

“What?”

“Touch me like that?”

“Okay! That’s our Felix!” Ingrid let go on him but didn’t get up. “But you’re mean! I missed you, you know?”

“Why…”

“Hm?”

“Why would you even miss me?”

“Because we love you, Felix,” Sylvain replied.

Felix looked down. Why should he believe those words? How could he even believe that Dimitri, for example, could only love him as well? Because that Boar said he missed him too. And now… now, the love of this Beast was making him shiver…

That Monster…

Appreciating him?

Three hundred sixty five days with that…

“You okay?” Sylvain asked, crouched in front of him.

“I’m fine!” He huffed and puffed. “Can you stop asking like I was weak and needing your help?!”

“None of us believe that, Felix,” Ingrid replied. “We worry because we love you.”

Felix shivered again.

He didn’t understand.

How…

He was so mean, always pushing them away and they _loved_ him? He wanted to insult them. But maybe they would love him even more after that?

“You want to come take the breakfast with us?” Ingrid asked. “If I have you both with me, you can pretend you eat and I can have three plates all for me!”

As Ingrid took a fake wicked look, Sylvain couldn’t help smiling.

“See? We need you! I’m afraid she will eat _me_ or else.” He smirked to Ingrid. “Though I wouldn’t be totally sad if you eat me a bit,” he added with a wink.

“EUUUURK!!” Ingrid said, hitting him being the head.

“Urgh!” Felix protested as well.

“Oh come on! You should try before protesting!”

“If I come, you shut up?” Felix asked.

“Yes!”

“So you are useful, in the end, Sylvain,” Ingrid smiled.

“You are all so mean with me! I could use a hug!” he said, as a sad puppy, holding out his arms.

“Nop.”

Felix got up and walked on the other side of the corridor. Ingrid followed him and Sylvain ran after them quickly.

Together, they went to the dining hall. Felix didn’t know if he was happy to be with them or not. He had no envy to chat with them, no envy to face everything that will come. This year will be the worst…

Though… could it really be worse than the year his brother died and he realized everything he had grown in while thirteen years was just infamy. He just wanted to throw it in the thorns. Perhaps, when the year will be over, he could just pretend he started his life at eighteen. It would be perfect.

And perhaps he would leave Faerghus?

He wouldn’t have to pursue like that with the Boar…

Wouldn’t have to see him, wouldn’t have to see his face. See the past coming back, swirl in his head. He felt nauseous again. He hoped he could eat something but if he couldn’t… it would be okay. He didn’t care if he couldn’t eat. He didn’t care if his head was dizzy. It was just a habit for him…

He could still hear his brother groan. He wasn’t the lovely genuine and careless child, he was destroying himself every second. As if he was playing a sad game against himself and he was winning.

Accepting Ingrid and Sylvain around him was the only thing he still could do to make Glenn proud but… how could he be proud of that? How anyone could be proud of him for anything.

He was worse than an oyster.

Especially because he would never give a pearl to anyone.

Only hate.

At this moment, as he tried to chase the fear and the memories in the laugh of Ingrid and Sylvain, surrounding him, he wondered… why was he alive? Why he wasn’t the one who died on the battlefield?

The World was made for Glenn.

Not for him.

Felix just got a few days to get used to this place, to the horror awaiting for him at every instant. He knew a lot of them was in the same case but on the other hand, they hadn’t to deal with what he was supposed to fight against.

The real year still hadn’t started and he wondered why he had decided to do such a thing? He could fight against everything, against every enemy, even if they were beasts, animals or way taller than him… He didn’t care if he had to meet bandit, murderer or rapist. And yet, this man with a soft smile and blue eyes full of tenderness…

Sometimes, he had the feeling _he_ was the monster. How could it be different since everybody saw Dimitri has a fine Noble without the slightest flaw? Everybody was praising his strength and Felix was so scared of it…

Perhaps he was the problem, indeed…

If no one saw what he had seen… wasn’t he the Devil in the life of the sweet angel Dimitri?

Pressing his head on the desk in the classroom, he tried not to listen to the future King as he talked about a stranger…

“We thought it was over when we have been saved by a mercenary coming from nowhere,” Dimitri explained. “Their skill with a sword is absolutely gorgeous. I don’t remember having seen someone as skilled since the last time I saw my friend Glenn fight.”

“Can you sh…” Felix started.

“But the important part!” Sylvain said higher. “Girl or boy? Boobs?”

“Sylvaiiiiin!” Ingrid groaned.

She grabbed a book and hit Sylvain with it. Sylvain who winked to Felix even though he was moaning his pain.

Felix knew his best friend had tried to protect him. And, although it was a nice thing, it was only making Felix feel bad. If no one saw what he had seen… wasn’t he the Devil in the life of the sweet angel Dimitri?

After all, as the Prince was talking about the attack had been countered by a stranger, everybody feeling relieved to know Dimitri fine, he was the only one who felt hatred in his gut.

He had wanted Dimitri to die.

His past best friend, a Human, his Prince…

A Boar, a monster…

What if he left the Monastery?

He couldn’t do it without looking like a coward but… did he care? His head was so confuse. His muscles were so tense…

He had to leave.

If not the Monastery, at least this room. He had the feeling he was suffocating. And the doors were big open.

Everybody was joyful, laughing and bonding and him…

Sylvain was so right: he wasn’t made for this place. He should have refused to come. But now… what was the best? Staying with his father who always reproached him not to be his brother, not to care for chivalry but being surrounded with cats. Or come here, grew bigger by fighting against his demon, being surrounded not only with cats but also with friends.

Tss…

Who was he lying to? Himself?

He exactly knew what he was doing.

At this point, the only thing he could wish was to be strong enough not to end the memories throbbing in his head.

Of course, it was worse than ever.

What was he expecting?

He never came back from this damn war and, instead of saving his sinking mind, he was jumping in the tusks of the Boar.

What an idiot.

Felix had to run away…

He got up. Sylvain noticed it and gave him a sad look but did nothing to stop him. He just watched as he stepped outside of the class. Every morning, he found his room empty. Every morning, he went in the church and found him sleeping amongst cats and he was just worry for him. Even for Felix, this behavior was worrying…

“Is something wrong?”

The voice came from Dimitri.

Sylvain looked up toward him. If you asked him, he would say the Tragedy of Duscur was one of the worst things he never left… Because Dimitri and Felix came back changed from it. Because Ingrid never survived Glenn’s death. He didn’t care about the things he passed through because of his brother. It was way behind the feeling to see the only one he cared for suffering…

And there he was…

He didn’t want Felix to suffer or Dimitri. But he also knew Felix couldn’t stand Dimitri anymore, for some reason. Sometimes, he wondered… was it because he had to go there because of him? Glenn gave his life to protect the young Prince. Perhaps it was the reason?

In this sad story, Dimitri just wanted to help Felix.

“Felix doesn’t feel good, it’s nothing.”

“I will talk with him,” Dimitri said. “Rodrigue made a mistake, asking him to come here. Of course, this place isn’t for Felix.”

As he said this, Dimitri walked toward the doors.

“Wait!”

Sylvain got up. He glanced at Ingrid but she was talking book with Ashe. Perfect!

He didn’t want to let alone any of his friends…

There he absolutely had to go with Dimitri. If things went bad, he could come between them, at least.

Dimitri walked outside and searched after Felix. Garreg Mach was so big…

Sylvain pinched his lips.

“The training room…” he whispered.

“Of course.”

As the Prince walked, Sylvain followed him. His guts were a turmoil. Would Felix still trust him after that?

He bit his lower lips when Dimitri pushed open the door of the training room. He was right: Felix was there. Having always a sword on him, it wasn’t difficult for him to be already at his training, his weapon swirling dangerously around him.

“We can’t approach him, let’s leave!” Sylvain said.

“Felix!”

“Ugh… of course if you’re doing that…”

Felix turned on himself and froze when he saw Dimitri. His fingers twitching on his blade.

“Step away! Your view is making me want to puke!”

He threw a cold glare to Sylvain who raised up his hands.

“I did nothing!”

“He told me where you were.”

“… I hate you, Dimitri.”

“Yeah, we’re two,” Felix smirked. “Now, disappear.”

“I have to talk with you,” the Prince replied firmly.

“You… have to talk with me?” the young Fraldarius let out a cold laugh. “Who said I wanted to talk with you?”

“Something is wrong with you. I don’t know what but I see it. I’m worrying for you and Glenn would like…”

“STOP TALKING ABOUT MY BROTHER!” Felix roared.

“Very well. Rodrigue would want you to be cheered up!”

“No! No! NO! Stop this! Stop trying to make talk people! You are doing it wrong! My father hates me! He would throw me out if that would allow him to claim you as his son! And Glenn would let me the fuck alone!”

“Felix!” Dimitri protested.

“What?! You want to make someone else talking when you understand nothing?!”

“Perhaps I can’t talk for Rodrigue but I know what Glenn believes. Or my father! They haunt me.”

Felix hiccupped. “What?”

“Dimitri, no,” Sylvain protested.

“They haunt me every day, every second, Felix. I hear them asking me to avenge them. Find those who planned the whole Tragedy of Duscur and make them pay. As they ask me, I will torture them until I would know the very truth and then, together, we will avenge Glenn, my father, my mother, our friends!” Dimitri said, his hands landing on his shoulders. “You think I’m crazy but I’m not! Together we…”

“I… I don’t think you are crazy,” Felix replied.

For the first time, he looked someone in the eyes. And he saw the mad Devil inside of it. He didn’t believe he was an angel, certainly not. But he was sure this being in front of him had been spat by the Hell. The gleam in his eyes, the smile on his lips… It was the same at the last time. He wanted to puke.

No one saw that?

He glanced at Sylvain, hoping for a kind of support. Hoping he was seeing the very truth and that he wouldn’t be seen anymore as a brat.

But Sylvain didn’t react.

Was he imagining this?

It couldn’t…

“I think… I think you’re an awful Boar! A monster! Will you slaughter me for this statement?” He moved his sword, holding it under Dimitri’s chin. “I waited for this moment. I trained to kill you…”

“Felix!”

Sylvain ran to him. He slid behind him and made him step back.

“How dare you!” Felix screamed. “How dare you telling Glenn would beg for you to take away lives?! For the sole purpose of avenging?!”

“I kn…”

“No!” Sylvain cut short. His muscles were tensed trying to stop Felix. “Leave!”

He saw something in Dimitri’s eyes. He certainly wanted someone to believe him. Sylvain didn’t know if he could believe him or not, honestly. But he knew Felix was about to slip away from his grip and blood would be draw on the training room ground.

He didn’t want to know whom.

He was too afraid it would be Felix’s…

Dimitri stepped away, left the room.

Sylvain tensed his muscles even more, pressing his face in the crook of his neck.

“Felix… It’s okay now,” he said. “It’s over…”

“It’s over?!” Felix roared. “He insulted my brother! He is a monster! He will never stop! He will draw blood again and he…”

Felix pushed him away. He dashed toward the door. Sylvain ran after him and grabbed him by the waist, refusing to let him ‘finish what he had started’. Felix bend forward, his forehead hitting the wood of the door. Sylvain groaned a ‘ouch’, feeling the pain for him, but his eyes widened when he saw him puke.

“Fuck! Did you hit yourself that bad?”

Felix didn’t reply, too worry to spit out everything from his mouth.

Sylvain gathered the loosen strands to protect them from the ugly splashes and he let go on his waist to rub his back.

Felix hiccupped, shaking.

His rage was swirling in his guts but also the horror. How that monster dared to talk about Glenn that way? Pushing him in the same basket that his boary attitude. Glenn always killed to protect… because he had no others solution. Because it was them or those he loved. Because it was them or him… and he even didn’t win the last battle. Perhaps he wasn’t fighting enough for his life because he couldn’t kill that cold blooded. Perhaps it was the reason why he was fighting with so much harsh. He loved Glenn but he wouldn’t finish like him.

“You feel better?”

Sylvain’s voice made him step back from his thought and simply step back.

“I will wash this. Go sit down somew…”

Felix’s ass crashed on the floor, and a bit on Sylvain’s feet.

“Uh, okay… As you prefer…”

“Do you believe him?” Felix whispered.

“Don’t bring me there,” Sylvain protested.

His friend looked up at him.

“Why? Because you are afraid I will be mad at you if you believe him?” he groaned. “I’m not that stupid. You can believe what you want, Sylvain.” He watched him, but not directly in the eyes, his shoulders shaking. “Do you believe Glenn asked him to kill? Do you believe…”

“You shouldn’t have come here,” Sylvain cut short.

Felix hiccupped. Or did he laugh with nervousness?

“I had to.”

“Look at you! You are… You take every occasion to pick fight against Dimitri! He is our friend!”

“My friend died in the Tragedy of Duscur. Along those he killed! He is a monster! I came here to fight him!”

“Of course you do! You always do that!”

Felix shook his head and got up. “You don’t understand! I don’t want to fight him that way! I was decided to come before I opened your letter! I couldn’t run away anymore!” He looked away. “You can’t understand…”

Sylvain approached him though they were already so close from each other.

“Don’t decide for me, Felix…” His hand brushed Felix’s waist. “Talk to me. Perhaps I can understand.”

“You’re always so reckless.”

“That doesn’t mean I can’t understand. I’m always there for you.”

His face grew closer to his. Felix had a hiccup and looked away.

“Don’t approach me. I certainly stench.”

“I don’t care,” Sylvain replied, pressing his face in the soft dark blue mane.

Felix groaned and pushed him away.

“Do you believe him?”

“No. You are right: Glenn would never ask for avenge that way. Not from Dimitri.” Sylvain folded his arms. “He already said his father wanted the same and I don’t believe the King was that way… I think Dimitri is… Listen! I love both of you.” He closed his eyes. “You are my friends… I don’t want to have to choose one over another. Dimitri can have incoherent speech and sometimes I worry for him. But you’re an idiot who think fighting will prevent you to have to talk about your feelings! Instead of getting all angry against Dimitri, you should have _talked_ to him.”

“You can’t understand,” Felix groaned.

“Felix!” he groaned back. “Don’t decide for me. Talk with me.”

“We are talking and you understand nothing!”

“No. I’m trying to explain you how wrong you may be and you don’t want to understand. It would kill you to stay with Dimitri and try to talk with him?”

“What if I say yes?” Felix smirked.

“You’re better than this. You never step back in front of a fight.”

“So we’re at a fight again?” the young Fraldarius teased.

He folded his arms as he moved away. He had the feeling he couldn’t tell everything. Perhaps it wasn’t that Sylvain couldn’t understand it but that he hadn’t the strength to talk about this. Because he didn’t want Sylvain to choose Dimitri…

Or… it was what he was telling to himself because he was so worry he would lose him.

“I see dead people…” He hugged himself. “Walking around like regular people.”

Sylvain stayed silent for a moment. He watched him as if he tried to know if it was the truth or not.

Felix hated that… but understood.

“Like… right now?” Sylvain tried.

“All the time. It never stops.”

New silence.

Felix felt his breath different. He wanted to hit him. He wants to beg him to understand him. Talking about that was difficult. It was the very first time he did it. It always happened but he never realized it before…

“I can see Glenn…”

Sylvain bit his lower lip.

“So… you want me to decide if it’s you or him who sees dead people? What Glenn says to you? Does he talk with you?”

“You’re an idiot and I will kill you!” a voice groaned next to Felix.

“You’re an idiot and I will kill you,” Felix repeated.

Sylvain let out a laugh, rubbing his hair. “Of course you do.”

“I don’t even ask you to trust me,” Felix pursued. That’s not what I meant. I need to know… is he crazy or am I crazy?” He walked toward him. “I never cared if you wanted to be friend or not with this monster! I’m not there for this and more you have friend, better it is. But… am I crazy? Is it true Glenn wants to be avenged… and I just hear what I want to hear? Perhaps he is not the one I thought.”

“No!” the voice protested next to him. “I will never force Dimitri to have such a burden. Nor you. I want you to stay safe. I am not from your imagination…”

“I don’t think Glenn would have forced Dimitri to do that. I don’t put in doubt Dimitri for his words but for the words he says the dead are saying. I can’t believe Glenn, or even the King!, would say such things… to Dimitri less again.”

Felix struggled to hear Sylvain’s reply, to hear Glenn’s reply, as the two voices overlapped each other.

“Tell him he can ask anything I can prove!” Glenn said. “And perhaps, if he believes you, if he comforts you, you will be able to talk more to him. It’s not good for you to talk only with dead people… I’m not the only who can keep your secrets like a grave!”

Felix fought against himself not to hug himself more. He firmly believed he was the only one able to comfort himself. Or perhaps… it was because he did that when he imagined his brother caring for him. He hated those kinds of things but on the other hand… it was his brother and he died for a bit of love and affection.

“You know what?” Sylvain said. “I will ask you something… something only he can reply. Impossible you know it. If you can reply… you’re not mad and you see ghosts and… I don’t know,” he huffed. “We’ll see?”

“If I’m wrong…”

“That doesn’t mean Dimitri is right. If you’re worry for the memories of Glenn. Perhaps it’s normal… you miss your brother, you saw people dying and can’t forget their face. I’m not surprised.”

“Something is wrong with me anyway…” Felix whispered.

Sylvain approached him. So much that Felix turned away from him. He couldn’t show him his face, filled with emotions he hated. And he still smelled horribly.

“What he replied when I said to him I loved you and I wanted to marry you?”

Felix froze. “W… what?” he hiccupped.

Sylvain smiled. “So you didn’t even know! Don’t worry, love of my life! I was a tiny baby! You don’t have to worry!! Unless…?”

“You’re an idiot!” Glenn roared.

Felix’s heart was beating fast. It was the first time his heart was beating that fast for something else than Dimitri and the panicked he distilled within him…

“What I told to this idiot: How dare you approaching my little brother, Gautier?! He is not like the a girl you give flowers to! But if it’s what you’re planning to do it, blue and never hurt him. Never!”

“He said… ‘How dare you approaching my little brother, Gautier?! He is not like the a girl you give flowers to! But if it’s what you’re planning to do it, blue and never hurt him. Never!’”

Sylvain stared him. “You’re not mad, Felix.”

“I’m there, Felix. You knew it?”

“I started to doubt…” Felix whispered.

“I understand,” Sylvain replied.

His voice hit Felix who stepped backward. His friend opened his mouth to hold him back but he just smiled. He wouldn’t force him to stay.

“I need to… go in my room.”

Felix wanted to train, to empty his mind, but he couldn’t. Sylvain was there and he couldn’t push him back. He had the right to be where he wanted to be… At least, he could close the door of his own room.

Sylvain would respect that.

“Felix, if you need to talk, someone to understand you… I’m there, okay? Not necessarily today, tomorrow… in one week or month? Just… whenever you need it.”

“Alright. Thanks.”

He walked toward the door, opened it without a look above his shoulder, and crossed the Monastery to lock himself in his own bedroom.

He stayed silent for the whole travel. He moved through the paths and corridors in such a weird way.

Weird for someone who couldn’t see with his eyes. Sometimes, he would move away suddenly, or stop walking on a line to avoid things that didn’t exist at all… Things not existing at all for others but for him, yes.

At a time, he tried not to act like he could see what others couldn’t…

But he stopped that time he bumped into a servant because he believed it was a ghost…

It was hard, being surrounded by all those revenants. Most of them were looking like regular people. For Glenn, for example, he just thought he needed to see his brother and imagined him next to him. After the Tragedy of Duscur, after the horror of the Boar, it was normal for someone to cling on his brother…

Glenn didn’t believe he never saw ghosts before. Just he didn’t realize it. Because death wasn’t a part of him and his past before.

But now…

Sometimes, Felix feared to see those from Duscur coming back.

But what he feared the most…

“How are you feeling, Felix?”

Felix closed the door behind him and went to the bed, sitting down. He pressed his hands on his face, whipping it.

“I started to believe I created you…”

“Thanks to Sylvain, you know it’s wrong.”

“But the Boar…”

Glenn had tried a million of time to explain him that what he had seen, he could have done it. But perhaps it was because he loved too much his Prince? Or because he wanted to protect his little brother?

Felix never listened to those words.

He knew what he had seen.

He had killed too, his hands were red from the blood of those haunting him. His hands had taken away so many lives… He couldn’t do anything else. His father had turned him into a War Machine for the sake of something he hated more than anything. Sometimes, he thought he wasn’t better than the Boar. What was the difference between them? Dimitri enjoyed what he did even if his mad brain didn’t let him remember that. Dimitri couldn’t stop him when the blood started to jump in the air, stream on the floor. Just like a rabid beast. Dimitri was only haunted by those he loved and hadn’t to think back about what he had done.

That was the difference.

Dimitri pretended he was doing all of this for the good and no matter the politeness, no matter the good judgement he could have… it couldn’t erase what he had done. No matter if it was what he expected from other.

If others could forget.

Forgive.

Felix couldn’t…

“I don’t understand how you can stay around me. Aren’t you ashamed?”

“By you? No.”

“By what?”

Felix looked up toward his brother who was standing there.

“That’s not the question, Felix.”

“You could be somewhere else,” Felix whispered. “You wouldn’t have to undergo all of this…”

“You’re right,” Glenn said. “Sometimes, I’m pissed off to be there, looking you being so stupid and running away from your friend. Working so much. Always trying to forget everything by training. Training so much you would kill yourself! If I could slap you, I would!” Glenn sighed. “But I’m here. It’s not a burden to be by your side.”

Felix didn’t reply, looking away. Often, he could hear people throwing Glenn’s age in the conversation, he already heard people saying he would, soon, be older than him or things like that. For them, it was just words. For him, it was fact. Each time he saw Glenn, their age were growing closer… his mental was changing… perhaps even more because he was able to know what he couldn’t in other case. He saw people he loved destroyed in front of his eyes because they acted as they were, not knowing he was here.

He changed.

Not surprising Felix believed he was crazy sometimes. That he had just his mind creating a brother because he needed it.

And sometimes he wondered…

What he saw when he looked Dimitri, what his dreams, his nightmares, were filled with… wasn’t he crazy?


	4. The Tragedy of Fhirdiad

Fhirdiad was attacked.

No one could have expected that the Empire would attack. For one year, they have been friend with Edelgard and those belonging to the Empire, and now… Now, they have to fight against her, against those they befriended.

Ingrid was truly moved because she liked Dorothea so much and she had helped her so much to mourn the death of Glenn. After six years. And now… now, they have to fight? It couldn’t be true.

They really have to kill each other?

As soon as Edelgard had attacked Garreg Mach, to kill Rhea if you believed the rumors; as soon as the Monastery had fallen under the blow, the students had been sent back to their own home. Claude had tried to help his grandfather to short through what they have to do and protect the Alliance, and this despite Lysithea and Lorenz siding with the Empire, for whatever reason… Did they have been forced to rally them or was it a choice? Somewhat, Claude hoped it was a choice but since they have created bonds for one year, it hurt him to see them siding against him…

And in the Kingdom…

Edelgard had managed to grasp a huge part of the Alliance and she needed to lay her hand over the Kingdom. Especially because they were in a direct alliance with the Church and if she wanted to change the things…

It was because of this Fhirdiad was attacked. Not only from outside, thanks to the Generals Randolph and Ladislava, but also from inside. People they believed being by their side were sabotaging them. They had forbidden huge part of the army to be deployed and now… now only those who were by the side of the Prince, of the King to become, decided to ignore those orders and help in Fhirdiad.

Others were too much afraid. For them or their family. Enticed by the money they have as Soldiers…

But Rodrigue Achille Fraldarius didn’t care much. He had to protect the Castle and important bastions of the town. He had asked his men to spread over the town and his son to side with Dimitri, inside the Castle itself. Rodrigue, as well as the Margrave Gautier fighting outside the town, believed it was the surer place.

They couldn’t reach it before sliding through their armies.

They had only brought two hundred, or maybe three hundred, Soldiers of any kind but it was the best of Faerghus.

They could resist.

Coming down the stairs, the sound of Dimitri’s iron boots was echoing against the wall.

“Felix…”

Felix was holding his sword in his hand, refusing to look at Dimitri who was walking toward him.

“Felix!”

“What Boar?!” he groaned.

“Will you stay here?”

“My father commanded me to stay here.”

“I didn’t believe you would listen to your father…”

“Do you think I’m an idiot?!” Felix replied. “You are the future King, you have to survive to protect the citizens. Go back to your room!”

“Felix. We can’t trust anyone here and our friends are fighting outside. Do you really want to stay here?! You who will always take your sword to fight…”

Felix approached him, his tiny body shivering.

“Don’t you think, Boar, I’m not disgusted to stay here?! Doing nothing?! I know Ingrid and Sylvain are outside! I know people are dying! I know our strengths will fail against this! But if I can…”

“What?” Dimitri asked.

Felix closed his fingers in ball.

“Dead people told you to kill to avenge them; living people told me to die to protect,” Felix replied.

“Who would…”

“Oh Dimitri, you are so naïve,” he groaned.

“Rodrigue?” Dimitri shook his head. “I don’t expect that from you. I know you don’t care but you are my friend…”

Felix looked away. He had lost his friend long time ago. Yes, he would have loved still being able to bear his sight but twelve months in Garreg Mach hadn’t changed anything. He wanted to step away, he wanted to puke. If he hadn’t the arms of his brother around him.

“I won’t let you die, Felix. Now, I ask you to come with me. Use your hand to save our friends!”

“And if you die?!”

“Then I’ll die. But as long as the Fraldarius and the Gautier will live, everything will be alright. You can keep Faerghus up. And if you’re willing to give to the loyalty… Give it to me. And come outside to protect Fhirdiad.”

“If it’s what you really expect from me, Boar…”

“That wouldn’t have last long,” Dimitri said with a nervous giggle.

Felix threw him a glare and stepped outside the Castle. His heart beat faster when he saw the chaos. Soldiers everywhere, in blue and red colors even a bit of yellow but almost nothing. Just a bit of white as well and… so many red, but in puddle of blood. You could see limbs…

He wasn’t feeling good at all.

He was made for the War, his hand only made for slicing people, turning them into meat but… but this was horrible. Soon, he will draw more blood. Fhirdiad was just taking the colors of his true Prince.

“Come, Felix,” Dimitri commanded.

“Yeah…”

Felix walked after him.

Saving the citizens was the most important. He could step away from Dimitri… It would be more efficient.

Especially if he hadn’t to fight against what was simmering in his gut.

“Felix, I give you every martial rights,” Dimitri said. “Whatever you have to do to save our friends is okay.”

“Oka…”

Felix froze.

He had just glanced at him and he saw the gloom in his eyes.

That gloom.

That gloom from Duscur. That gloom from Remire.

“Kill them all. Don’t let a single one of them escape. Sever their limbs and crush their wicked skulls!”

Felix hiccupped. “Wh… what have you said?” he whispered.

“Whatever you have to do to save our friends is okay,” Dimitri said again.

Felix shook his head.

“Me?” Glenn asked. “I said nothing?”

“You said something else… Kill them all…” he whispered. “Don’t let a single one of them escape.” Dimitri frowned. “Sever their limbs and… crush their wicked skulls…”

“Felix!” Glenn shouted.

Dimitri moved his hands, brushing Felix’s cheeks. He would have cupped them if Felix hadn’t stepped back quickly, looking like a panicked cat.

“I don’t have said that?”

“He said it a few months ago. At Remire,” Glenn stated.

“You… I…”

Felix swirled. He walked toward the stairs leading to the town.

“Felix!”

Suddenly, Felix was tugged back. He fell on the floor with violence and saw a javelin passing in front of him, crossing the air and opening the throat of an enemy.

“Stay on your guards! What are you doing?!” Dimitri protested at Felix.

The young Duke watched him.

“What… are you doing? What will you do with…?”

“Are you fine?” he asked. “Your eyes…”

“ _Your_ eyes.”

Felix turned his head and watched at the man Dimitri just killed.

“Do you remember… Glenn… he wanted you to protect me over the invert. That day… Will it start again?”

“What are you… We are in the middle of a fight, Felix?!”

They were at war. There was the rage around. Screams. Blood.

It was the mayhem and Felix could see the murder envy in Dimitri’s eyes. The Human was letting place to the Monster wishing to avenge his friends. The Empire was attacking and the occasion was too big.

Every second Felix was taking removed this precious time to him. Less opportunity to avenge his beloved, less people he could rip open with his bare hands…He needed to exterminate the Empire. So the Tragedy of Duscur will be killed in the egg before it started…

The Tragedy of Duscur was about to repeat itself.

“I…”

Felix swirled on his heels and ran away, climbing down the stairs. Dimitri ran after him, calling him.

Glenn would never forgive him if he let Felix die.

He had to protect him.

He ran.

Felix ran.

They ran.

As he passed next to the body of the man he killed, he grabbed his spear and as he was running after Felix, to save him… he didn’t hesitate to spread the blood of anyone daring to step in their steps.

Screams.

Begs.

Dimitri didn’t care for them.

A Boar.

He was already turning into a Boar.

Felix slide in a street. He heard a yell. He heard Dimitri screaming in rage. Then begging and… the sound of bones, of blood splashing around. He swirled on himself. He could see the back of Dimitri as he was making swirl his lance.

His fingers were shaking around his sword.

War was war.

Mercy wasn’t always good in such a place. If you would spare someone, they might kill your friends tomorrow…

Dimitri was taking no risks.

His eyes were already stained with blood, his eyes like a Beast.

Felix wanted to yell. He passed his hands in his hairs and ran away. He was made for the War, made to wield a sword and… he was running. Running to search somewhere he could hide himself. Run away from the Boar. Run away from the Tragedy of Duscur…


	5. You're not a true Knight

“Fhirdiad has been taken. Dimitri is in a jail, awaiting to be killed… He _will_ die.”

Rodrigue’s voice was full of sadness.

The last time he was in such a state, it was when Glenn died, five years ago… It was as if he just lost his son, once again.

And he was talking to Felix, who stood in front of him. Straight. Without a word. His eyes just staring right in front of him. He didn’t even really look his father.

“The Empire is wining. Our last chance was to protect the Castle, the Capital… to protect Dimitri… And he is gone.”

“Can’t you do something to save him? You are the Duke Fraldarius, the Shield of Faerghus…”

“Silence!”

Rodrigue walked toward him, the anger making shiver him.

Felix didn’t watch him more than before.

“The Capital belongs to Cornelia now. I can’t overtake her. We can try to defend our grounds, we can try to resist but the Empire could win. We will have to fight every second of our lives to protect what Lambert gave us, protect the Kingdom… I can’t believe Lambert will see his son die… How can I will even look him in the eyes?”

“You can’t look him in the eyes,” Felix replied. “He is dead!”

 _Slap_.

Felix bit his lip to prevent a hiccup to cross them. A thin stream of blood slid from his lips.

“And you… Witnesses said he saved your life and you ran away… Aren’t you disgusted by such a behavior? I knew, from the moment you weren’t able to understand Glenn’s sacrifice that you will never be a t…”

“YOU WEREN’T THERE!!!” Felix screamed. “You weren’t there when Glenn died! You hadn’t seen his face! I see his face everyday!! HE WAS SIXTEEN YEARS OLD!! You send your children to War and you were happy because one of them died?!”

“Not happy. Proud. And you… you came back. And since this moment, you always disappointed me. Now, because of you, I will see my second son die.”

Felix’s lips opened.

“I have put so many efforts and money in your education, you used to be Dimitri’s best friend. You were supposed to become his Shield! And what have you done…”

“Would you have been happy if I died for Dimitri?”

Rodrigue turned over, walking toward the door.

“Father!” Felix called. “If you could choose… If I tell to you I will step in the prison in his place. His life against mine,” Felix asked with a steady voice.

And yet…

Yet, it was shivering.

Just deep down. A tiny shiver in the end of his words.

Because…

He knew.

“You would never do it, the question is no use to be asked,” Rodrigue replied, stepping outside the room.

“Felix! I beg you! I beg you, Felix!”

In Felix’s hand, there was a knife.

The night had fallen.

Felix could move to the jails, find Dimitri… bear his presence so he could make him come outside.

And die.

That’s what his father wanted.

“Felix! Listen to me!” Glenn moved in front of him. “Please, Felix. Go to the Margrave grounds. Go see Sylvain… he would make you see reason if I can’t…”

“If I die for Dimitri…”

“If you die, I will punch you so hard you will go back into life! I forbid you to die! Especially for Dimitri!”

“You died like a True Knight…” he whispered.

“I will punch you now.”

A real growl came out Glenn’s mouth, rage coming from his gut.

“Why have you died like a True Knight to him?” Felix asked. “I remember your eyes… Your fear. You will never be older than me anymore…”

Glenn’s hands came around his brother’s cheeks.

“He wasn’t there. He doesn’t know what you have seen. He doesn’t know what I felt because he can’t hear me and live in the past. All he saw is the fact I brought Dimitri to the safety…”

“He always said you would hate yourself if you had run away. Would you?”

“Are you hating yourself?” Glenn asked. “Because you shouldn’t. You have no things to give to anyone. I would like you to prevent your life first and…”

Felix’s hand twitched.

His fingers moved around the knife.

“Felix!”

“Why you… Why you are so comprehensive and father would like me dead?!”

“Because I love you,” Glenn replied. “I don’t want you to join me.”

“But Dimitri?! If I go see the King…”

“You will do nothing of this!” Glenn protested.

“I don’t have the shoulders for the burden I have to bear. I can’t succeed on father. I can’t… Fath… Rodrigue is right: I should have died. I should have died in the Capital to protect Dimitri. I should have died in the Tragedy of Duscur… instead of you. You would have done so much better. Ingrid would be happy and I…”

Felix was shaking. The knife moving dangerously in his palms.

Glenn just wanted to be able to grab it and threw it away. Why was he a Ghost?! Why was he unable to protect his little brother when he had to?!

“Please, go see Sylvain. Take father’s horse. It will piss him off and…”

“Why I have to…”

“Because he is your friend and he will take care of you! Felix! You are loved! It doesn’t matter if father is stupid enough for…”

“I don’t care! I don’t care about what he says! I’m a failure! I only can use a sword and using it…” He laughed hysterically. “And using it, I become a Monster! I can’t run away from the past! I can’t stop being…” He let out a scream. “I will become the Boar! I will become like him! I…”

His belly hurt him.

He felt like he was about to puke again.

But not this time.

Not.

This.

Time.

The knife swirled in his fingers.

“FELIX!!!”

Glenn hiccupped as he saw blood fell on the floor.

Sylvain’s head was heavy.

He hadn’t sleep much lately.

With all the things that happened with the Empire, with the menace lurking around and with Dimitri’s execution to come…

His father expected more from him. His mother wanted to make him a General and send him in the battle field and he couldn’t just… try to sleep.

Yet, it was probably his last days in a nice bed, his last hours with good cooking…

But his head was heavy and he couldn’t sleep.

_Knock knock._

“Yes?” he groaned, rubbing his eyes.

The door opened on a servant, a flame lighting the panicked face. Sylvain was about to make a pervert joke when he saw the silhouette of Mildred… until he saw said face… He pressed his elbows on the mattress.

“What’s happening?”

“It’s Felix! He’s…”

“He is what?!” Sylvain jumped on his feet, almost tripping over his blankets and dashed to the door. “Felix?!”

“He is not here… Sir Sylvain, he…”

Sylvain didn’t listen to her, running in the corridor, yelling Felix’s name. He didn’t care about waking up everybody.

Felix was more important.

If he could call him through… through what. Felix wasn’t here and yet they came to see him, panicked…

“Felix?!”

His feet naked, his _whole body_ naked, Sylvain dashed to the front door.

“Fel…”

_BANG._

“Sylvain!”

Felix’s voice. Felix’s groan…

He just threw the door in his face.

“Felix!”

Sylvain cupped his face with his hands. Water was dripping from Felix’s hairs, falling on his fingers, sliding along his freckles. It was raining and he hadn’t even noticed it… And, when he watched Felix… When he looked him right in the eyes… weren’t they…?

“You’re naked, Sylvain.”

“I was trying to sleep… Your hair… what happened to your hair?” he whispered.

They were…

So short.

He had a few strands longer on the face, some were still a bit long in the back but most of it was cut very short. When was the last time he saw him with such short hair?

“I cut them…”

“Why?”

Felix pushed away the hands pressing his cheeks. Sylvain let him do, not forcing him to anything. And he blinked when he felt him pressing his cheek against his pectoral.

“I just… Can I stay here tonight?” he asked.

Sylvain brushed his hair and, since Felix didn’t push him back, he caressed it.

“Yeah, of course.”

Caressing his hair, he could feel some scars along his neck and nape. Probably some he made while trying to cut his hair. Sylvain pressed a kiss on his forehead, hugging him tenderly.

“You can stay as much as you want, you know?”

“Thank you…”

He pressed his face in his pectorals whispering ‘What I’ll do without you’ and hoping the soft pillows of his man boobs would prevent Sylvain from hearing anything of this.


	6. Avoiding love & Romance

For five years, it always has been a living hell.

Dimitri was dead. Because of him. His father hated him and while they kept sending letters to each other, Felix could feel the hatred in his father’s words. He wanted to explain… He never had wanted to let Dimitri alone. And if he hadn’t, Fhirdiad would have stay up; if he hadn’t, he would have been the perfect witness to prove Dimitri could have never killed Rufus. But the Empire had won, Dimitri was dead… and his hands were so red. Red of the blood of people.

Blood, battle and blades… that was his life.

He was just made for this.

The Boar was dead and he just had taken his place.

The Boar was dead but the nightmares never stopped. They were worse than before. How many time did he woke up in his few hours of sleep, panicked, tears trying to dash out his eyes. Every day, he lived again the Tragedy of Duscur and he had the feeling Dimitri was bursting out of nowhere to spread blood. But sometimes it was just his own hand…

He was turning mad.

Glenn had to keep telling him when he was facing a reminiscence how he called it. He had to warn him from every blow because he was missing them.

And ironically, that turned him into a better warrior.

So more blood…

And for all those five years… he had searched Dimitri.

No one was searching him because he was dead.

He was searching him because he was dead. He should see him… He could have talk with him?

But even the King Lambert had refused to talk with him. Rufus had never accepted to lay an eye on him.

And those he killed… where still walking around him.

Every day was a Tragedy of Duscur and while his mind was shattering in pieces a bit more each new second, he had sworn he would go to Garreg Mach. Ingrid had promised him she would be by his side when he would enter the Monastery. He preferred because… if there was somewhere Dimitri might be, it was probably there. His ghost could be here.

And he preferred to have someone by his side.

Someone he would never hurt, even if he lost his mind.

And he would never hurt Ingrid.

He loved her too much.

He would never told her, or course.

It was a form of cowardice…

In fact, Felix had left a few days ago and arrived here a few hours earlier. Now, he was waiting. They were in Fall and you could feel the cold air caressing your skin. It was so cold…

His nose was becoming a bit red, his lips blue.

And he hugged himself.

He had a little cape around his shoulders but it wasn’t enough to hide his arms. You could see his scars there… he had used so many magic. He had fought this war every day until he fell. He was always pushed his limits.

Always.

Fighting like that pushed away his bad thoughts. They would always come back at night but when he was fighting, most of the time, he could repress them…

It was bad, he knew it. And he kept like that.

He was drawing scars on his arms. He was drawing scars on his body. Every time he was missing a blow because he wasn’t focusing enough, every time he was unable to kill his enemy with one blow…

Every error…

It helped.

It prevented to really do it yourself…

It wasn’t better. He knew it.

And yet…

He continued.

And there, he was wrapping his arms around his knees, waiting, his chin on his knees…

He was shivering a little…

But it won’t stay there longtime.

Ingrid will come…

Felix was still cold, very cold. Hopefully, the strays cats of the area had started to come from a bit everywhere. Now, they were around him. He had one in his laps, another in his arms, some pressing against his thighs or his arms… It was a bit warmer and it helped.

He heard sound.

Hooves on the ground. It had rained lately and you could hear them enter in the mud or in the puddles.

“Hey there!”

Sylvain.

“My favorite Fraldarius! How are you doing?”

Sylvain held out his hand to Felix.

“If he makes a dirty joke, can I kill him?” Ingrid asked, on the back of her Pegasus.

“Only if you let me participate,” Felix replied with a smirk.

“You both are means!!” Sylvain hiccupped with a fake shocked tone.

“We just know you,” Ingrid countered.

Though he groaned, Sylvain kept smiling and holding out his hand to Felix.

“Eh, beauty, Ingrid and I have a horse and we’ll be fast so, do you want to share my horse?”

Felix was doubtful.

“Isn’t it too much for your horse?”

“You’re light as a feather, don’t worry.”

“He isn’t wrong. And so thin,” Glenn said.

Felix groaned.

His hand slid in Sylvain’s. Which closed on his fingers and lifted him without difficulties. He made him land on his lap and removed his long blue vest with white fur, Sreng being really cold, and rolled it around Felix’s shoulder.

“Take this, it’s warmer. Your cheeks are all red.”

“I know,” Felix groaned, wrapping himself in the warm clothes.

Sylvain’s perfume invaded him and he closed his eyes. Suddenly, he felt…

Protected?

Perhaps not this but he felt that Garreg Mach wouldn’t be a problem… His cheeks became warmer, a bit red as well.

The horse was running through the forest, as fast as Ingrid’s Pegasus. The cats were left behind, they didn’t even try to follow them. But at least, Felix didn’t remember having hear them meowing, so it must be fine.

“Eh…” Sylvain’s voice dragged Felix out of the mayhem of his thoughts. “Since it’s that Ball again, today, one of you owes me a dance!” Sylvain said.

Felix opened his lips.

“Not me!” Ingrid let out.

Faster!

“What?! You’re such a bad friend!” Felix groaned.

“You’re supposed to sacrifice yourself for me,” Ingrid joked.

“Why? Because you’re a damsel in distress?” he mocked, growling. “The only case I can see that is when I will run after you because I have to dance with Sylvain!”

“She would kick your ass,” Glenn said.

Felix bit his lower lip to hide a smile as Ingrid was laughing.

“So sweet of you!” she snickered.

Sylvain was pouting while they were fighting that way.

“You don’t have to do it if you hate it that much,” Sylvain protested with a pout.

“Then no dance,” Felix quickly replied.

“Then, no dance.”

Sylvain sighed.

“You made him upset,” Glenn reproached.

Felix frowned.

“Have you heard this?”

Felix couldn’t hear anything with Glenn babbling for sure.

“Hm?” Sylvain asked.

“There is… sound… someone is fighting I’d say?”

“Let’s see,” the Gautier proposed.

“Yeah… I’m always willing to fight.”

“Of course, you are.”

Sylvain’s laugh reverberated in his ear before pressing a kiss on his cheek.

Felix had a hiccup.

But perhaps it was because Sylvain made his animal going faster toward the sound. Ingrid’s Pegasus set off but stayed pretty much to the ground. There was too much trees for her to truly fly.

At least, they were still together.

They crossed the forest and arrived in the village above the Monastery. Not the market place but something a bit away and yet where they were used to go. Either for the missions or discovering much. The market only comes the week-end but you could have food, or give food after hunting, all the week here. They had learnt how to be with the citizens here, dragging water in well for them or just fighting among them.

But everything had changed.

Now, it looked like a haunted town…

In the middle of the grass that eaten the abandoned houses, the trees and also the flowers looking… out of their places. Especially because the places was full with bandits who only wished blood and money. Not necessarily in this order.

“The Monastery has become a nest of thieves,” Sylvain commanded, not pleased.

Ingrid hiccupped. When they looked at her, her face was so shiny.

“Professor! You’re alive after all!”

Felix and Sylvain searched after Byleth.

“But first things first. Let’s defeat these thieves,” Ingrid said with determination.

“I’ll lend a hand,” Felix said with a thrill. “We’ll catch up later.”

He jumped from Sylvain’s lap.

“Listen up.”

Felix almost fell in the mud.

Dimitri?!

“We must end this quickly.”

His voice wasn’t the same. It was harsh, cold…

“It’s him… He is here. Really here. And… not dead,” Glenn whispered. “Can you fight?”

“Yes…”

You could have believed Felix replied to Dimitri. And even if you wanted to ask anything to him, he already dashed among the bandits. In front of him, the Boar was just like him. He was just like him.

They were drawing blood, they were destroying their enemies without even thinking about their family, about those they let after them.

They were monsters.

Felix loved to believe he was doing that for his friends, but in the end… what was the truth?

He was lying to himself, that’s all.

The last bandit fell on the floor.

Dimitri stared at him with his last eye. Hate simmering in it.

Felix looked at him.

He truly believed every scars of his body were just scars. He truly believed he was suffering inside but that was all… But seeing Dimitri, it was as if every scars, inside and outside, were opening themselves.

Dimitri was covered with blood.

Was it true or not?

Dimitri’s eye moved and hit him.

Felix’s straightened, froze…

“Dimitri!!” Ingrid screamed, jumping from her Pegasus.

“Dima!” Sylvain climbed down as well.

Together, they ran toward Dimitri. Byleth shook their hands, trying to stop them, worrying, but they couldn’t do anything against the joy of Ingrid and Sylvain.

Felix couldn’t stop himself. He just started to puke in a bush.

“Oh, Felix…” Glenn whispered.

“I’m fine…” he replied.

The ghost hand passed in his hair. It did nothing but it calmed a little Felix.

“I just need to leave…” the young Duke said.

“Okay… I come with you!”

Felix was glad, honestly. He would feel better with his brother around, knowing that Dimitri was around.

And the fear coming back…

Felix had passed a bit of fresh water on his face. He also had rested a little, even if his eyes kept passing memories in front of them. Again and again…

So, now, he really needed to change his mind.

That was the reason why he left his room and walked outside. He needed a bit of fresh air and so… wandered. He wondered if he could only go to the training room. He would have loved to go train. Just like before. Perhaps it would have eased his mind a little?

And he wondered…

Should he send a letter to his father? Should he tell him his beloved son was alive, in the end?

He didn’t want to see him come here…

Not now.

And… would he regret? Everything he had said to him or not said? He wondered but he wasn’t ready for a reply, honestly…

As he walked toward the training room, Felix noticed a silhouette in the bridge on the Church. Next to the Goddess Tower. Thanks to the Moon, and some Stars, he noticed what seemed to be a bright mane.

Sylvain?

Felix wanted to be sure and he moved to the Goddess Tower. Just to be sure. It would occupy his mind anyway.

After a bit of time, he finally arrived and, being nearer, with a better light, he could say it was Sylvain. And he could say Sylvain was trying to pass on the other side of the little wall. He wanted to believe he had seen this wrongly, but he knew what he had seen. And he wondered if Sylvain had changed that much through the years. Five years before, he would never have jumped.

Will he jump?

Did he have another idea in mind?

Other question, sadder.

Did they fail as friends?

They should have been able to protect him from his own thoughts.

What thoughts?

Did the war create those thoughts?

“Sylvain?”

Sylvain turned his head toward him, looking absolutely shocked to see him.

“Felix?”

“Will you get down this wall or should I push you?” Felix smirked.

Sylvain moved down the little wall, turning toward him to hold out his arms, as if he wanted a hug. He was smiling.

“I’m not on the wall anymore!”

“Brilliant,” Felix said.

“Do you feel better?” Sylvain wondered.

“Yes. I was just…”

“It’s because of Dimitri?” the young Margrave asked, folding his arms.

Felix’s lips twitched at this direct accusation. At the truth thrown right in his face… Sylvain had always been able to read him like an open book, not surprising since he loved to read that much… And him, he always struggled to read, pushing back this chore. Perhaps that was the reason he remained a mystery for him?

“You wanted a dance, isn’t it?”

“Of course I wanted a dance,” he smiled, walking toward him. “With you more than Ingrid.”

The night was fresh and it was really cold. Yet, his cheeks were warm. So warm.

And Sylvain was coming so close.

He was so tall. Had he always been so tall?

And… he realized he missed him…

They haven’t seen each other for what? One year? One year and half? Sylvain must think the same thing because he moved his fingers to brush a strand of hair, as if he looked the length. They were still shorter than when he left Garreg Mach… But those hairs had grown for more than ten years, here, it was only five years…

And the battlefield, the stress…

It hadn’t helped at all.

“Why me?”

Sylvain smirked. For once, it really was a face like you would rarely see on his face. Especially because it would be hard to get Ladies’ attention like that.

And Felix wasn’t a Lady… and he was staring him.

“Why not you?”

“Say…” Felix gulped. “Five years ago…” He looked away. “When we tried to know if I was mad or not, you said something… about wanting to marry me. Where you serious?” he asked.

“Yes.”

Felix’s heart skipped a beat.

“But nothing change between us. I won’t force you to do anything. I won’t court you for days,” he swore with conviction. “I’m your friend first, the one mad in love for you secondly.”

And now, Felix’s heart was racing.

“I’m not made for romance, Sylvain. You know what I am.”

“A warrior?”

Felix nodded.

“Not only. I see so much more within you. I adore you for everything Felix. I know you since you are born. I saw you coming back from Duscur and…”

“I never came back from Duscur!”

Felix’s heart kept racing.

“Oh dear Sothis…” Glenn whispered, afraid for his brother.

If he lost Sylvain…

“I never left that well.”

Felix’s eyes widened.

“We have been destroyed by our brother,” Sylvain smirked. “But that’s not what I’m trying to say to you…” He leaned, pressing their forehead together. “I love who you are. Your defaults and your qualities. You are precious to me. I never stopped loving you. Sometimes I disagreed, sometimes you make me worry, sometimes I wondered if I wasn’t just… used to the feeling of loving you. Others time, I just knew I wanted to stay with you forever. No matter how. Seeing you smile and wanting to smile because you’re so beautiful, so precious when you smile; hating your tears…”

Glenn still wanted to punch him but on the same time… if someone had to take his brother away, he wanted Sylvain to do it.

And he could feel that Felix was moved by those words.

By such love.

Still… Felix didn’t believe he deserved this.

A love that pure.

“I don’t understand why you don’t get _more_ girls with such words,” Felix smirked, trying to close his heart even more.

“I get every girl I want!”

“I will kill him,” Glenn said.

“And even boy!”

“Except one?” he snickered.

“But I never say the truth.”

Felix could have been mad, if the tone wasn’t that soft…

But, really, he wasn’t good with emotions. He had stepped away from them since the first time his heart has been crushed, when he had lost Glenn.

He truly believed what he had said: he never came back from the Tragedy of Duscur. When he started to see Dimitri, his best friend, as a Boar only living for blood, when he started to hate his father… Even Ingrid seemed to hate him by moment. So how Sylvain could still love him?

Even Glenn had already yelled at him, refusing to talk to him because he was abject. And even if Sylvain pretended he loved him… How the hell could he life with someone like him. Before running away, he just get the luck, or the bad luck, to hear Dimitri calling himself a walking corpse – words that would haunt him certainly – and him… He was just a walking scar.

When the Tragedy of Duscur had been done, you couldn’t see the single scar on his body and everybody thought he was doing okay but inside… How many open wound his flesh was holding under the cover of his skin? How many scars opening all the time.

He wasn’t made for love because he was abject, a Monster, a second Boar and because no one would want someone with so many scars…

Felix could have run away.

Felix could have thrown his arms around Sylvain’s shoulders and ask him for that dance, burying everything.

But his lips opened:

“I see things I shouldn’t see…”

“Yeah, I know.” Sylvain made a face. “Glenn is watching, by the way?”

“Tell him I will punch him in the nuts if he tries to hit on you again!”

“He is watching,” Felix replied.

“Outch… Uh, hello Glenn!”

“What the…”

“How are you doing?” Sylvain smiled.

“He is fine,” Felix said. “But that wasn’t what I meant.”

“What then?”

“I told you I never came back from the Tragedy of Duscur… I mean it. I still see it, as soon as I close my eyes. Sometimes, I watch my hands… they are clean and yet, they seem reds…”

Felix watched his hands as he said those words. Without Glenn, he couldn’t know if they were clean or not. One time, they were angry at each other and when Glenn came back to say sorry, he found him washing his hands in a bucket. He had done it so much that his hands had been hurt for days. Unable to hold a sword without wincing, he was falling in the madness of his memories. Unable to train to push away what was coming back in his mind…

“When I look at Dimitri… I only see the Boar feeding blood. When I watch him for too long… blood start to stream on him. Images come back from the past… And my nightmares are filled with him…”

“Felix…”

Felix looked away. He felt Sylvain’s hands on his cheeks, forcing him to look him.

Silence grew between them.

He must be really pathetic to his best friend. He couldn’t love, he couldn’t be sane… He was only made to fight. Hating to fight but dying when he didn’t…

“I will help you.”

The words hit Felix with more strength than anything before.

Help him?

Why would he want to help him?

Is there anything to do?

“Help me?” he replied with a hiccup.

“Yeah. Frankly, I don’t know how. But I will do my best. I will reassure you when needed… I will show you there is more than the horror of War. I know it’s hard because… well… where into it? But I won’t let you down.”

Felix stared at him and Sylvain seemed to search around.

He was searching how changing his mind.

Sweet…

“Didn’t you want to dance?” Felix asked.

“You want to dance?” Sylvain said under his breath, surprised.

“Want? No… But you want. And you want to help me. Do you think it could help? Usually, I train to empty my mind.”

“You _always_ train,” Sylvain replied.

“Yes.”

Felix could see the horror in Sylvain’s look before he took his hand. When their fingers brushed, Felix felt a bolt in his skin. He closed his eyes and felt the other hand in the crook of his back. He could feel the shiver of his body.

“What I do with…”

He glanced at his hand, staying there.

He really wasn’t done for love, for tenderness.

“On my shoulder.”

Felix nodded and moved his hand, his finger brushing his shoulder before steadying on it.

“Now, I will lead, just follow. I will go slowly.”

“Okay,” Felix replied.

And he just complied. He wasn’t made for dance but when you could fight, you had the tendency to know how to follow movement, to have fast legs movement and dancing wasn’t that hard. But Sylvain was stunning, suddenly so swift, his movements ample and yet graceful. He looked up at him, his heart racing, his breath taking away. He looked at him, him so big, making him feel so tiny and ridicule in his arms, weak, and yet… not protected? He was cradled with his love, nothing forcing him to anything.

And…

And it felt so good.

His mind was flying away, not thinking about war, not thinking about nothing but this calm smile, these eyes filled with determination and love. He could stare forever.

This smile, this embrace, this dance… it was bandaging his wounds…


	7. Have you ever loved me?

Gronder Field had held so many battles. Blood was feeding the mud and the vegetation all around. You could sense that many soldiers fell there. Felix always hated this place, and when they had done the mock battle, he had been so sick…

So having to fight here, drew more blood again, turn this place into an even worse graveyard… wasn’t it ironic?

His hands were covered with blood.

No?

He watched around as his hands were just… so red? He saw it above his gloves and he didn’t know if it was real or not. His clothes were stained as well. And he felt like his face was dripping blood…

The rage of the fight had stopped because Edelgard was stepping backward, calling back her closer troops, glancing with horror to those losing their life. Or who had lost their life already. Hubert was making sure she could retreat.

And while Dimitri was obsessed by Edelgard, and her only, seeking his revenge in the name of the death, Claude had no problem to stepping backward as well. He grabbed Hilda’s hand, refusing to let her when he already had lost Lorenz… They said he was with Byleth but he couldn’t be sure.

Especially not when he saw the Monster that Dimitri had become.

In fact…

Yes, he was with Byleth. As well as Ferdinand. Both were deeply wounded but Sylvain had begged for his cousin’s life and as he did, they couldn’t have left Lorenz that way. But Ingrid finally killed Ladislava…

The sound of hooves brought him out of his sad train of thoughts.

Rodrigue Achille Fraldarius.

They have been separated from each other while the fight and now he was there, his white horse not much so white, his clothes stained.

“Your Highness!” he shouted with relieve. “You’re alive!”

Felix watched him.

“We have to retreat to the Great Bridge of Myrddin!” he commanded.

He didn’t mean to command his own, future, King, of course. But he was a General. He needed to save the royal troops. In the name of his dear Dimitri.

“The rest of you, keep fighting!” Dimitri commanded.

What a King…

“We can’t do that. The Imperial army is closing in,” Rodrigue protested, trying to bring him to reason.

As if it was even possible.

“I’ll kill all of them! No matter how many hundreds or thousands of them they are!” the Prince countered.

His words throbbed in Felix’s head.

“What are you doing here?! It’s too dangerous! Fall back, now!”

Felix blinked. What was happening with his father? Why would he talk that way to Dimitri? To anyone?

He saw that young girl his father had accepted by their side a few weeks ago. He still had resent in regard of all this situation. The both of them barely talked but he took a girl under his wing because she needed it.

A lot were praising his kindness.

It was just hypocrisy to Felix’s eyes.

But… he couldn’t think more. The little girl dashed to Dimitri, yelling “DIE!”

Blood splashed in the field. Splashed on Dimitri’s face… as if he wasn’t already drenched with blood.

“Urgh… F… Felix!” Rodrigue called, a blade passing through his body. “Kill her!”

What?

“Felix!”

“FELIX!”

“Rodrigue!”

Everything was screaming around. Felix hiccupped and held out his hand. Lightning came out his fingers and passed through the little lady, shaking her, making her yell one second before falling.

Rodrigue fell on the floor, on his knees.

Dimitri dashed toward Rodrigue. His arms came around him, sadness in his eye, madness in his eye… Horror simmering.

Felix just stayed there.

Not moving anymore.

“Felix!”

Glenn kept calling him.

He just watched.

Dimitri was distraught.

“Don’t die! Father, Stepmother, Glenn… They all died and left me behind. Rodrigue… Are you to join the ghosts who shadow my every move?”

Felix looked down his hands.

He heard Glenn’s voice without listening to it.

He was afraid. He felt his tummy like a turmoil. He was again about to puke.

He looked up and saw his father caressing Dimitri’s cheek and then… the eyes closed and slowly, he became two.

“Felix, look at me!” Glenn commanded.

“Gl… Glenn?!”

“Not now, I’m busy,” Glenn replied. He moved on the side, his hands coming around Felix’s cheeks. “Look at me!”

But he could only look this corpse in the arms of Dimitri. Dimitri crying this death.

“Miklan, where the hell is your brother when we need him?” Glenn groaned.

“Perhaps he is dead?”

Felix’s eyes widened.

“Oh brilliant! _Brilliant_!!!” Glenn shouted. “Traumatize your brother, not mine!”

“Sylvain?!” Felix called.

“Glenn!”

“Not now, father!” Glenn replied.

He should be so happy to see him again but… he never stopped seeing him in his case.

And he preferred running after Felix who crossed the battlefield. They all have to retreat to the Myrddin Bridge, like the others. But he was running, searching for Sylvain. Calling him again and again. He called him, no matter if there were Soldiers that might attack him.

He didn’t even realize.

“Sylvain!”

“Felix?”

Sylvain got up from the side of his dead horse.

“Sylvain!” Felix grabbed his neck. “Are you alive?!”

Sylvain pressed their forehead together.

“I’m alive. I swear.” He pressed him softly. “You’re shivering. What’s happening?”

“Rodrigue, he… He is dead.” He looked up at Sylvain, one second. “He took a blow for the Boar…” Felix frowned, his eyes travelling toward Sylvain’s collarbone because he didn’t know where to look. “He is alive…”

“Felix, you can’t stay more!”

Felix blinked.

Glenn yelling in his ear sure was effective.

“We have to leave to the Myrddin Bridge… Empire’s troops will strike back.”

“What about Dimitri?” Sylvain asked.

“The professor will take care of him?”

“Yeah, probably… Ingrid?” Sylvain worried.

“She is fine.”

“She is fine,” Felix repeated.

“’Kay.”

Sylvain lifted Felix and paced backward, hopping Dimitri will soon arrive too. He worried for him… As well as for Ingrid, pretty ladies, and comrades he get close to.

But now, he was just worrying for Felix who seemed a bit in shock.

Of course he was.

“Glenn, my son.”

“Not now.”

“But Glenn. It has been so long… Ten years without you, my…”

“I said ‘not now’! Death is maybe new for you but not for me!”

“Can you stop yelling?” Miklan groaned.

“Can you go fuck yourself?” Glenn replied. “Felix!”

“I don’t expect to know better than you…” Rodrigue said.

“Rodrigue…”

“Lambert? You… I never expected to see you… It’s so overwhelming.”

“Oh please,” Glenn groaned.

“Go find a room, that’s gross!” Miklan smirked.

“SHUT UP!! ALL OF YOU!”

Faces turned toward a redhead that… was showing his back to them. And yet yelling at him.

“Glenn, Miklan, is it that difficult to respect Felix after all this time? Sir Fraldarius, be comprehensive one minute! You are dead but you haven’t right on Felix. Let him breath!”

Felix had his hands on his ears. The non-stopping sound was so overwhelming…

Usually, he could ignore it but there, it was voice he knew and it was hard to push it away.

They were on an inn’s room next to the Great Bridge. The town was under the Crown of Dimitri and it was easy to have such a place. They could rest before coming back to Garreg Mach. Byleth was trying to take care of Dimitri; Ingrid was helping Mercedes to heal the wounded; Annette was making sure no one would come disturb their retreat… Her father was by her side but they wouldn’t talk at all. And Ashe, finally, was resting as well, after having been wounded and very hurt by this fight…

He should reestablish himself pretty well though.

Sylvain turned and approached Felix, crouching next to him.

“You feel better?” he asked, caressing softly his hand.

“Yes… Thank you.”

Sylvain sat next to him.

“But… you know… You should talk with Rodrigue. I feel like you need it… Not forcing you, though!”

“Perhaps I should… But…”

But he didn’t want to.

He looked down to his hands.

“They are clean,” Glenn said.

“They are fine,” Sylvain whispered, taking them. He moved one of them, after joining them in the other, so he could caress his cheek. “Everything is fine.”

“How could he talk with me?” Rodrigue said, oblivious.

“Father,” Glenn sighed.

“Felix totally can see ghosts,” Miklan smirked.

“And talk to them,” Lambert finished.

“He… He can hear us? Talk with us?”

Rodrigue looked shocked. Glenn nodded.

“Felix! You can hear me? You can hear Glenn? This mean…”

“This means nothing!” Felix hissed. “I owe you nothing!”

“I raised you for…”

“You what?! You didn’t care for me! Especially since I refused to listen to your stupid chivalry!”

Sylvain looked at Felix. He could guess he was talking to his father but it was so weird to see him shout and yell that way in the void. To be angry at ‘nothing’.

But Felix had all the right to be angry.

“I didn’t want you to use me to see your beloved son! I am not an object you will use at your convenience! I’m a Human being, just in case you had forgotten it! I won’t do everything you wish! Not being your parakeet and certainly not dying or killing for you when you want it!”

“What are you…”

“I killed that little girl.”

“You have killed hundreds and hundreds…”

“YES! Because of _you_! That’s all I can do. I kill. I have only that in my mind and I…”

Felix shivered in horror. He felt arms around him and he couldn’t fight against the tears along his cheeks. He wanted it so much, so strongly but he couldn’t. He was so weak against his own existence.

Nothing could change that.

He was crying so much.

He was hating himself so much.

His father had created him that way and he had dug in this. He shivered when he couldn’t train. He always asked himself what he was doing and he truly didn’t know what life awaited from him. Often, he thought about his future… while others had ideas, projects, something brighter toward what they walked, he was just… there, knowing he will kill again because why not?

He lived in the horror.

He revived the Tragedy of Duscur every day and he will until his very last day.

Until he would turn mad.

He didn’t think he would life very longtime.

“I don’t expect you to kill. You had to protect! You are not made for killing, as you believe it. You are my son. You are the heir of the Fraldarius name and Crest. You are the Duke Fraldarius now and you are the Shield of the King!”

“I can’t believe that…”

Felix shook his head. His hand closed on Sylvain’s wrist.

“Let go on me.”

Sylvain complained.

“You don’t understand!”

Rodrigue moved as Felix walked toward the door.

“I can pass through you, asshole.”

“I haven’t raised you to kill, Felix! For Sothis sake! I have raised you to be the King’s Shield! Don’t you understand?”

Felix stopped.

Rodrigue sighed softly.

“He said he raised me to be the King’s Shield, not a killer. What does it means except that my friendship with the Boar meant nothing? Every of my gestures were made to serve him!”

“I think he would like you to watch the situation from another point of view. When you kill, you’re not killing because you want it. It’s because you want to protect. Want or have to if you believe it. But I know you and I’d say…you want it. You think your Sword is a curse but your Sword is a Shield. You give your life to protect the citizens. Those you love.”

“Yes,” Rodrigue said. “That’s it. You stepped on the wrong path, or believed you do, when I only wanted you to know it’s always better to protect! That’s why Glenn…”

“Shut up,” Glenn and Miklan said on the same time.

“Oh please…” Felix whispered.

“Too sappy?” Sylvain asked, making a face.

“Not you,” Felix said to him. He looked above his shoulder. “You failed.”

“As a father?”

“Yes, that too. You failed as a Shield. You are dead. For your King and your Prince. If you are just a Ghost, how can you keep being a Shield? People won’t always back you up. The Fraldarius line will die with me, you know that?”

“Well in this case…”

“I forbidden you to hope it will fall on Sylvain or Ingrid’s shoulders!” Felix roared, turning toward him. “This burden will die with me. Perhaps people will stop dying for a cause and would life for it.”

He glanced at Sylvain who frowned.

“That’s what I decided to do…”

Protect…

His hands were red but this red protected.

The Boar was only hatred, killing and killing. But… wasn’t he doing it also a bit for love too?

They have walked on the wrong path.

They have lost themselves…

“Sylvain?”

“Yep?”

“Can you wait for me?” Felix wondered.

“Of course. What will you do?”

“Tonight… I will have a long discussion with the Boar. Our father died to protect him and the Boar thinks it’s his fault. He will need someone who lost him… and Glenn to talk.”

“You sure you can do it?” Sylvain asked with a soft voice.

Felix didn’t know.

Just the idea to stay with him was making him dizzy. He already had a very bad taste just on the tip of his tongue.

But… perhaps, accepting, acting in the correct way could help him? Diminishing what he felt?

He knew he could never fight against the feeling simmering in his gut. He would never be healed from the vision of Duscur and the fear will still be there. But he could tam it. He could walk to Dimitri and hold him out a hand.

“Can you tell him I will keep an eye on you?”

Felix could feel the fingers of his brother slowly pass in his hair.

“Glenn will keep an eye on me.”

“’Kay.” Sylvain pressed a kiss on Felix’s forehead. “Be prudent and… thank you, Glenn.”

Sylvain pressed his lips together. Could he say more?

Could he…

Wouldn’t it be weird between them because he loved him?

But he knew it was important for Felix. So…

“I’m proud of you.”

Felix’s chest was warmer suddenly. And he smiled a bit.

Without even realizing it.


	8. Veil of Night

The War was over.

Finally.

Dimitri was ruling over Fódlan as a real King.

Felix would never have believed that he would be glad to sleep in a room of his Castle. But to be honest, he was gladder to be able to discuss with him by letter soon. He was able to stay around him now, but, on the other hand, it still was difficult. Sometimes he panicked. Sometimes he puked just after…

He still avoided him when he could.

But they were also enough the same so they could hang out together. His mind would survive.

Well, he hoped.

But, really, the letters were welcomed after all of this.

However… lying in this fluffy bed where he had lied so often when he was kid, Felix couldn’t fall asleep.

He had been too much around Dimitri? The War being over was throwing him back to the horror? The War being over made him insecure for his future? Whatever it was, he was turning and turning in this bed, not able to close his eyes.

His hands on his belly, he just stared the cellar, counting the stars there. With the magic pushing through them when he was just a child, it kept shining. As if he was outside.

To be honest… it wasn’t helping.

“Is Sylvain awake?”

The mutter could have drowned in the night.

He was talking to himself, in fact.

Because at this moment, he just wanted to be with Sylvain. Even if he just had to crawl next to him and snuggle in his soft embrace. It was way enough for him.

If only he could…

“Yeah, he is awake,” Miklan said. “But I’d be cautious he isn’t thinking too much at you,” he laughed.

Felix groaned. He passed his hand in his hair, ruffling them. He pushed the blankets and got up. He stepped outside the room and walked down the corridor. As much as he slept in the bedroom he used to sleep in being a child, it was the same for his others friends. So he knew where Sylvain was.

_Knock knock._

No replies.

Felix leaned against the door and swore he could hear groans and growls.

“Miklan?!” Felix grunted as well.

“Yeah?”

It came from inside.

Felix opened the door, shyly. Everything was so dark inside.

“Sylvain? Do I wake you up?”

“Yeah…”

“Sorry. Miklan said you were awake…”

“Oops!” Miklan smiled.

Through the Darkness, Felix threw him a deadly glare. Sylvain didn’t look like he cared for this bad trick, laughing in his bed.

“Come on, ask him.”

Perhaps he wasn’t just bothering his brother?

Felix approached the bed.

“Can I sleep with you?” he asked.

“Sure! You want me to move on the side?”

Sylvain was about to roll on the side but Felix entered in the bed and slid, like a snake, between his arms. He could hear, and feel, Sylvain’s heart beat so fast. He glanced at him and pressed his cheek against him. He could feel Sylvain taking the blankets to put them above him.

The nest was warm and comfortable…

“You’re good there?”

“Yes.”

He snuggled in Sylvain’s embrace, feeling great when he felt him pressing his face in his hair.

“Something was wrong?” Sylvain wondered.

“No. I just couldn’t sleep.”

“And you wanted to be with me then?”

Sylvain was smiling, a bit cocky, a bit playful. Felix pressed his nose between his pectorals.

“I just feel good with you. I didn’t want to think… The War is over but I’m still the same.”

“You’re great, Felix. And you know, I will always be there for you.”

“I will always be there for you. I will send you letters… Mine and if you want, Miklan can come sometimes so I could send you some for him.”

“I want nothing else than you being happy,” Sylvain replied.

“Seriously,” Felix said, looking up. “What do you want? You never said what you planned after the War?”

“What I want?”

“Yes.”

“Well… I expected to just go back home and hit on pretty ladies!”

Sylvain laughed but Felix pouted. And he swore he could have heard Miklan facepalming.

“But now, I have to take care of my lands and this annoys me a lot…”

“Yes… On the last battle, the Boar didn’t like your father’s way to act and your mother talked with him… And my father is dead, wondering somewhere, aghast in front of the King… so you and I we have to take care of our grounds.” Felix looked away. “I don’t like that.” He closed his eyes. “Perhaps…”

“Perhaps what?”

Felix shook his head.

“Don’t be a coward Felix Hugo Fraldarius.”

“Shut up!”

“Excuse me?! Woaw! I was so nice and all!! I hadn’t offered you to _sleep with me_ , winky face, winky face! And this?!”

Sylvain was really shocked.

Felix blushed at what he said, understanding the pervert sense of those words.

“I wasn’t talking to you!”

“You say ‘shut up’ to Glenn? Bad baby brother,” Sylvain smirked.

“I said ‘shut up’ to Miklan,” Felix protested.

“Oh… Yeah, shut up, Miklan!”

“I will kill this brat!” Miklan laughed.

“Remember when we were children?” Felix asked.

“Yes… But what part?”

“We promised we will be together until the very end.”

“Yes. It still engraved in my heart. I am here today because of this promise.”

Felix didn’t like to hear that. It was so hurtful… He moved a bit, his fingers caressing softly his cheek. He watched him but couldn’t look right in the eyes. He hated that because the soft light provided by the corridors and the Moon passing through the curtains would have make this moment very unique.

He didn’t like to hear it because he realized how much he had failed to Sylvain before. He didn’t believe him enough? He always thought about him or tried to stop having emotions because they were just betraying him all the time.

Like now… the way he was watching him.

What he felt when he was talking about ladies he could hit on…

“Sylvain… I don’t want you to find a wife.”

Sylvain’s eyes widened then he nodded.

“Okay. Everything you want.”

“Everything I want?” Felix replied, surprised.

“Yup. Everything.”

Felix frowned.

“I would like us to merge our grounds. And rules them together.”

“Sure.”

“And…”

Felix couldn’t look at him. His lips were shaking a little.

“Can you kiss me?”

Sylvain didn’t wait to comply. He pressed a kiss on his forehead.

“What an idiot!” Miklan sighed.

“I meant… on the lips?”

“You’re sure? You’re not doing that just to please me?” Sylvain asked.

Felix liked him even more. Loved him even more.

“Yes. I want to try. I want to try… to be with you. I just… miss you when you’re not here and when I look at you…” He made a little face. “Perhaps I’m mistaking myself and we’re just friends. But I’m willing to try.”

“We can.”

Sylvain caressed his cheek and Felix shivered. He made him roll on the bed, spreading Felix’s hair on the pillow. When Sylvain came above him, Felix’s heart beat so fast. He never had been kissed. And Sylvain had been kissed too much…

He felt ridicule.

But…

He was kind of excited.

His first kiss and it would be Sylvain’s.

If it mattered so much for him, perhaps he loved him more than he believed…

He watched him as he approached and closed his eyes when their lips pressed together. He moved slightly, sticking his body against his. And he smiled in the kiss…


End file.
